"Me and my stop-watch can't wait to start moaning about another competition."
Alex Ferguson, Liverpool FC

"Mr Fawlty, he says he will beat me if I win. I no understand....."
Manuel Labour, Torquay

"I'll get my man Jeeves on the case. He'll remember the right scores from last time."
Bertie, Woostershire

"It'll be nice to enter something with a bit of intelligence for once."
Peter Stringfellow, Public Curio

"This competition is cooler than me in a fridge in hyperspace, with influenza and an ice-pack."
Cat, Blue Dwarf

"Break out the Bolly, a little tipple will help with all those numbers."
Aunt Patsy

"I'm going to watch the match preview tapes before filling in my form. Perks of the job I suppose."
Richard Arnold, TV Critic GMTV

"I'm only going to enter the competition if my two Guinea Pigs can as well...."
Carla Lane, Animal Lover (acquitted)

"This competition appears to be the twisted brain-wrong of a
one-off man-mental."
David Jatt, TV Inquisitor