World Cup 2026 Competition
Breaking News

28th May: Competition Launched...!

29th May: First entry received! And it's competition newbie Lewis Kelly, quick off the mark with all the hopeful doe-eyed naivety of a baby seal asking a polar bear the way to the shops. He'll learn.

30th May to 9th June: Terms of a FIFA superinjunction banning order strictly adhered to.

10th June: FIFA superinjunction banning order lifted following victory in protracted legal wranglings with a multi-million pence settlement offer eschewed for a more enduring compensation the full details of which must be kept secret. Shall we just say though that come Christmas Day Donald Trump won’t be the only person gazing proudly at a FIFA Peace Prize trophy on this mantlepiece. Let's move on.

"What were the FA thinking when they employed me?" 

With the phoney war over at last it’s time for the football to begin! But not before the world was treated to a rather underwhelming Opening Ceremony performance by Shakira who, like all decent support acts, did her best to make the main event look good. Alas that indeed proved a hard gig, the main talking point of the footballing evening being the three red cards flourished by referee Wilton Pereira Sampaio taking full advantage of his moment in the sun, with BBC executives being thankful that commentator Jonathan Pearce didn’t have an attack of dyslexia as he sort to explain the intricacies of the dismissal of South Africa No.13 Yaya Sithole in the 49th minute.

The 2-0 Mexican victory was foreseen by 39 prediction enthusiasts with the vagaries of the initial entry order in the "Great World Cup Spreadsheet" meaning that rather like Wilton Pereira Sampaio it’s Philip Hornby who has his moment in the sun, topping the table. As I always say though, it’s a marathon not a sprint so don’t count your chickens just yet Philip.

Day 2, 12th June: Korea Republic 2-1 Czech Republic, Canada 1-1 Bosnia-Herzegovina Day 2 Table

With our first "Overnighter match” there are 15 players getting a morning fillip upon bleary-eyed checking of their devices, and it’s that man again Philip Hornby who thinks he’s got things sussed with another red ten only to hit the buffers somewhat in failing to foresee the evening resilience of either Bosnia or Herzegovina in their epic tussle with Canada. No such problems for 37-point Ed Sleath and I&C Woodland (the competition’s most in-love couple) who all end the day with full marks from the first three matches in sharp contrast to the competition's current biggest misnomer Richard Scorer, still to get off the mark. As I always say though, it’s a marathon not a sprint but word of advice Richard, don’t leave yourself too much to do on the stadium lap.

Day 3, 13th June: United States 4-1 Paraguay, Qatar 1-1 Switzerland, Brazil 1-1 Morocco Day 3 Table

Day 3 starts with nobody predicting the US 4-1 drubbing of Paraguay but a few seasoned mystics get back on the horse via the Qatar Switzerland 1-1 draw with only two, Dominic Shepherd and Gianni Mohebati, being further richly rewarded for bravely predicting the same fate for Brazil v Morocco. Also richly rewarded, Richard Scorer who finally gets off the mark with an epic 2 points for the day so all is right with the world once more.

Day 4, 14th June: Haiti 0-1 Scotland, Australia 2-0 Turkey, Germany 7-1 Curaçao, Netherlands 2-2 Japan Day 4 Table

One feels the World Cup has finally arrived! John McGinn’s "double-cannon in-off" leads to much hysterical Hibernian high-fiving as the disposal of Haiti gives rise to the real prospect of Scottish progression to the knock-outs. Such is the new format. Elsewhere Curaçao, a country hitherto famed only for its range of bovine veterinary products, pay the penalty for equalizing and briefly giving the Germans the run around, the legendary Germanic sense of humour and efficiency meaning that, to paraphrase the words of Michael Jackson if one’s allowed to still, they didn’t stop 'til they’d got enough. On the competition front, it’s Steve Melton climbing to the top courtesy of 21 solid points with the day’s big mover being James Potter his 32 points ensuring a hefty league leap, now up to 13th.

Day 5, 15th June: Ivory Coast 1-0 Ecuador, Sweden 5-1 Tunisia, Spain 0-0 Cape Verde, Belgium 1-1 Egypt, Saudi Arabia 1-1 Uruguay Day 5 Table

Dominic Shepherd leverages the first 5-game day nicely, plundering 34 points and a rise to the table summit with, at the other end of proceedings, Richard Scorer finally waking up himself with 22 points and a nine-place rise finally settling nerves.

There have been some unsolicited enquires regarding the much underrated "Team" aspect of the competition. Evidently the concept of working together cooperatively with other people is a bit of an alien concept to some but I'm afraid you are stuck with it so you'd better like it or lump it.

There's been a bit of a shake-up in the team selection this year. The qualifying criteria for many of the teams has been explained before here, but teams new for 2026 are outlined below:

Day 6, 16th June: Iran 2-2 New Zealand, France 3-1 Senegal, Iraq 1-4 Norway Day 6 Table

In a strange case of sport mirroring life, Iran twice come from behind to earn a hard-fought draw, in this case against New Zealand, before we are then earnestly informed that France's Kylian Mbappe has "sent shockwaves through world football" or at least the opposition onion-sack in a rather one-sided affair against the "Lions of Teranga". In the late showing we are treated to a couple of classic Iraqi keeper cock-ups that see Norway and Erling Haaland taking home the bacon, or perhaps better, hauling home the ham.

The day’s biggest competition sage proves to be young Up Pompeii! enforcer Jack Newell with 27 points whilst James Potter, Sam Thompson, Kate Irwin, Sam Crook and fellow picciotto Alfie Bennett all hoped their 26 points might be enough to earn a mention. Alas not.

Day 7, 17th June: Argentina 3-0 Algeria, Austria 3-1 Jordan, Portugal 1-1 DR Congo, England 4-2 Croatia Day 7 Table

With the largely forgettable light-weight warm-up fare being notable only for Doctor Congo’s spirited nose-thumbing at their old colonial masters – see, it wasn't just us – it was time for the Main Event. And what a Main Event it was. There was early excitement as Madueke tried to make a convincing case that Luka Modric hadn’t in fact completely pulled his kick, grabbing his groin in exaggerated fashion, this tactic no-doubt identified in the pre-match team-talk as being the French referee’s sympathy weak spot. Harry Kane’s stutter-run side-footer was routinely saved but Clément Turpin (I kid you not) was having none of it, and, not wanting to see Modric’s prophylactic punt go unpunished, demanded a retake whilst Guy Mowbray confirmed matters, authoritatively opining that the Croatia keeper was “off his line, well off isn’t he, two or three inches off”. A well-worked Croatia equaliser was then subverted by Harry Kane using his noggin in, let’s face it, probably its most effect manner, direct from "another Declan Rice trade-mark corner” before another well-worked Croatia equaliser just before the half-time oranges. The second half saw a distinct lack of well-worked Croatia equalisers with Bellingham scuffing one home early and, would you believe it, Marcus Rashford “coming to the party" late to seal matters and wet many a pub saloon bar carpet. So a winning start for Les Douze Lions.

Believe it or not the England Croatia six-goal Soccer-ball Fest was correctly foreseen by none other than Ferre Piters for a competition-best 16 points match score (something for all the 1-1 merchants to ruminate on), and which coupled as it was with another Red Ten and a pair of sixers served to deliver young Ferre a superb 38 competition points for the day, comfortably ahead of next-best Richard Evans’s moderately-amassed 32 points and Dan Newell’s positively-paltry 28. At the top of proceedings it's Dominic Shepherd still clinging on.

Day 8, 18th June: Ghana 1-0 Panama, Uzbekistan 1-3 Colombia, Czech Republic 1-1 South Africa, Switzerland 4-1 Bosnia and Herzegovina, Canada 6-0 Qatar Day 8 Table

A frankly dull footballing day, one to really set the pulses pausing. High on quantity but low on quality, at least the 1-1 merchants, all 26 of them, take some revenge on young Ferre Piters who personally seeks to prove the competition’s oldest gravitational adage that what goes up must come down. At the top of the table there’s a change with Steve Melton using his respectable 32 day-points to slide into the No.1 spot ahead of a triumvirate of Broken Lifters, Sam Thompson, Dominic Shepherd and Gianni Mohebati. Elsewhere it’s Joe Battle leveraging his nominative determinism to amass a day’s-best 42 points albeit closely stalked by Liam Pattison with his 39 and Kate Irwin with her 38. In the Team proceedings it’s also all-change at the top with Ray’s Ragbag taking over the running from the Cousins’ Cash Conflict as the predictable, nay inevitable, internal competitive squabbling surfaces.

Day 9, 19th June: Mexico 1-0 South Korea, United States 2-0 Australia, Scotland 0-1 Morocco Day 9 Table

While Scotland receive a little reality check in the form of Mexico so does mankind in the form of J Walshe GPT AI racking up 28 points. Fortunately humanity is saved by newcomer Andy Cox whose 29 points show that in these days of large language models and big data scaping there still a place for emotion, instinct, gut feeling and good old fashion luck. It’s Bones versus Spock if you will. Liam Pattison also puts his shoulder to the wheel matching our cyber pal’s 28 points and earning a rise to joint third.

Elsewhere, TCSMI-LC are locked in perfect harmony in 73rd place with blushing gooseberry Jon Jackson in close attendance.

Day 10, 20th June: Brazil 3-0 Haiti, Turkey 0-1 Paraguay, Netherlands 5-1 Sweden, Germany 2-1 Ivory Coast Day 10 Table

The Netherlands’ five goals announce themselves to the World Stage as does Helena Bennett whose 38 smackers earn her a 29-place elevation up the competition table to, er, 64th whilst both Lee Henderson and Andrew Foggo trouser their own 34 points and respective respectable rises. At the top Steve Melton still holds sway albeit under increasing pressure from Stewart Burgess.

Day 11, 21st June: Ecuador 0-0 Curaçao, Tunisia 0-4 Japan, Spain 4-0 Saudi Arabia, Belgium 0-0 Iran, Uruguay 2-2 Cape Verde Day 11 Table

Competition minnows Cape Verde and Cure-a-Cow take points off some established powerhouses to prove they’re not just making up the numbers, a policy also adopted by new face Alex Burman whose day’s best haul of 30 points leaves many a veteran scratching their head whilst simultaneously trying to rub their tummy.

Day 12, 22nd June: New Zealand 1-3 Egypt, Argentina 2-0 Austria, France 3-0 Iraq Day 12 Table

No surprises on the pitch nor indeed off it where the cream in the form of Lee Henderson rises to the top closely tracked by Liam Pattison as Steve Melton slips to third. However the day’s best performers are Karen Connerney and Andrew Woodland each with a perfect-day 39 points and healthy promotions. In the Team Game it’s Ray’s Ragbag consolidating their grip on things as the Poker & Football Gents move up to make a challenge.

England are once more into the fray but pre-match big news emerged that Ghana's most famous Witch-Doctor, one Nana Kwaku Bonsam, had taken it upon himself to brew-up an extra special potion to have Harry Kane and comrades firing blanks and thereby ensure a Ghana coupon-buster victory. With this knowledge lodged rent-free in their heads, England were clearly never going to score but Nana seems to have rather over-cooked things and inadvertently prevented Ghana themselves scoring from several clear-cut chances which presumably wasn’t the plan. It’s easily done.

In the competition proper, Jake Newell’s impressive 38-day-points best allow him to draw level in 32nd place with 29-day-points second best Terry Bennett, these two crusts sandwiching some rather James Potter-shaped cheese. At the top, and it's Liam Pattinson finally reaching the summit albeit closely tracked by Philip Hornby.

Day 14, 24th June: Panama 0-1 Croatia, Colombia 1-0 DR Congo, Bosnia-Herzegovina 3-1 Qatar, Switzerland 2-1 Canada, Morocco 4-2 Haiti, Scotland 0-3 Brazil Day 14 Table

After a 3-0 reverse it’s a day of reckoning for the plucky Scots who are now in the lap of the least-worst-third-place Gods. Meanwhile the day’s competition star performer is Edward Fahey with a cool 49 points and a huge leap to 72nd closely followed by Alfie Bennett, his 45 points moving him up to join brother Henry (no slouch himself with 40 points) in 33rd place. Expect poking and prodding aplenty just like the old days in the back of the Fiat Multipla. At the top of proceedings it’s Stewart Burgess advancing into second with 44 points although that’s matched by Liam Pattison, using his bodyweight like an old pro to shield the top spot. Meanwhile in the Cousins financial tussle Stewart can’t glean any escape velocity as his 44 score is matched stride for stride by head-down Kate Irwin.

Day 15, 25th June: Czech Republic 0-3 Mexico, South Africa 1-0 South Korea, Curaçao 0-2 Ivory Coast, Ecuador 2-1 Germany Day 15 Table

After yesterday rich point-pickings, it’s a different story today with Germany’s 1-2 Ecuadorian reverse being foretold only by Andrew Genville and Mexico’s 3-0 triumph over the Czech Republic being prophesied only by Peter The Dane, thereby forming a sentence I never dreamed I’d be constructing a mere 3 weeks ago. Loic Martens leads the day’s charge with 25 points whilst there are respectable 20 point scores phoned-in from all over the park from the likes of Jon Gregory, Tom Clayton, Andrew Woodland, Terry Bennett, Graham Clayton and money-sniffer Kate Irwin keeping up the pressure.

In other news, today marks the slightly belated commencement of the anagram competition! This year’s snappy phase for you to convert into something even snappier is:

Tuchel, manager with extraordinary jackets, bet even you win this fine cup.

Get your thinking caps on!

Day 16, 26th June: Japan 1-1 Sweden, Tunisia 1-3 Netherlands, Turkey 3-2 United States, Paraguay 0-0 Australia, Norway 1-4 France, Senegal 5-0 Iraq Day 16 Table

A six-game day proves fertile ground for many and none more so than George Geaves, Wesley Piters and man of the moment Peter The Dane, each bagging 42 points whilst there’s a 40-point uplift for the likes of Graham Clayton, TCMI-LC and the previously unnoticed Ed Sleath who jumps up to second place and thereby earns the epithet Ed Stealth for his troubles.

In a separate and somewhat awkward development for the competition organisers, word has filtered back from southern Italy that Terry and Fiona Bennett have (I kid you not) reached Pompeii and are awaiting further instruction. They seemed to have misinterpreted their allocation to the Up Pompeii! team with its exclamation mark and general shoutiness as an imperative instruction rather than a simple limp word-play attempting to link the ubiquitous nickname for their beloved Portsmouth FC with comedy curio Frankie Howerd's finest hour. Things are all the more ironic because if they really did want to spend the day wandering around some dilapidated old ruins under a scorching sun then surely the 67 bus to Southsea should have sufficed. Awks indeed.

Day 17, 27th June: Cape Verde 0-0 Saudi Arabia, Uruguay 0-1 Spain, Egypt 1-1 Iran, New Zealand 1-5 Belgium, Panama 0-2 England, Croatia 2-1 Ghana Day 17 Table

A goalless first half against Panama had England nerves a-jangling before Bellingham’s weird but patented "wrap-around-scuff-prod" opens the door and Kane’s forehead settles the matter. Elsewhere New Zealand swap codes and ship five against Belgium, a turn of events that nobody saw coming. It’s an ominous day for person-kind with J Walshe GPT AI scooping the day’s best 51 points with all six results correct including three Red Tens. It’s down to veteran competitor Andrew Woodland to try to hold the line for humanity, valiantly constructing 49 points but in so doing only gaining 1 point on his real target aka fellow Turnoak-Traveller Richard Evans; if I know Mr W his enthusiastic encouragement for Richard to take part again is now being regretted more than somewhat. One further day-point back on 47 it’s old dependable Tom Clayton and new radar-flyer-under Jeremy Pailhes-Jimenez, whose name for the purposes of this competition will continue to be shortened to “Jeremy PJ” to try to save a server farm or two over the course of events.

The end of the Group Stage heralds the waving of the goodbye white handkerchief to 12 illustrious teams alas including Scotland, New Zealand and Cure-a-Cow but crucially not Cape Verde who live to fight another day. At this point it’s Philip Hornby leading our race by a single point from Liam Pattison and indeed stretching his lead to 4 points by the end of the day as we’re not allowed by FIFA to draw a single breath before the knock-outs commence. South Africa join the departed and wonder why on earth they’d bothered getting their pyrrhic second place in Group A when some third-place imposters are still on full expenses. There’s no justice in this world. Meanwhile newcomer Kevin Abbott finally gets the hang of things and takes the day’s acclaim with a cool 32 points and a rise to the heady-heights of 83rd place.

But what’s this? With minimal prompting we have some anagrams returned! And first in it’s Ian and Claire Woodland with this skeleton plot for a new Sunday night Poirot, alas forgetting they didn’t have mobile phones in the 1930s, but never mind people won’t notice.

Agatha Christie cannot believe why Jordan P text Reece “If u win, murky nuts”.

“Murky nuts” indeed. You can almost hear the David Suchet intonation. Great stuff! It’s a BAFTA in the making.

Meanwhile, also straight out the traps, it’s none other than Chris Staples teasing us about his inside knowledge of how and why our South American nemeses appear so arrogant with this well-crafted offering.

Know how Argentineans authoritatively execute perfect dynamic hubris.

Fantastic work Chris! Stand by for a phone call from a Mr T. Tuchel of no fixed abode, North America, should certain things come to pass.

Day 19, 29th June: Brazil 2-1 Japan, Germany 1-1 (3-4) Paraguay Day 19 Table

The world footballing order is shattered courtesy of a Panamanian penalty smash-and-grab consigning the Germans to an early bath and plenty of schadenfreude-scented talcum powder. Earlier dark horses Japan couldn’t quite pre-empt the feat against a stuttering Brazil benefitting from a last-minute Martinelli winner (not a phrase heard too often at the Emirates this year).

In our little competition it’s a perfect 25 point day for Copilot AI when prompted by Andrew (and 15 points when prompted by JPJ), really giving one in the A-eye to Chat GPT (6 points), Claude (4 & 0 points) and Grok (0 points). Expect a Microsoft advertising campaign off the back of things. At the top of the table it’s Philip Hornby taking up the running for the Ragbag, his 15 points knocking Liam Pattison off his stride.

Meanwhile more anagram scribes have been in action! First up it’s old dictionary-dependable Michael Frain with this nostalgic alcohol-enhanced throw-back to the 1930s when the mighty Black Cat players would all put in a full shift below ground of a Saturday morning before popping up, pulling on the famous red and white striped jersey and eliciting the famous “Roker Roar” with some direct soccer forward play via toe-capped boots, not a back-pass in sight:

Heavy red rioja chat: "Sun'lun attack get six in the cup between four wiry men."

Jumpers for goalposts. Marvellous.

But wait a minute! Steve Bell brings us bang up to sophisticated date with this gutter-press accusation regarding Saint Harry’s nocturnal motivational activities.

Harry Kane’s extra action with whip culminated in beefy jute cog ventures.

Superb! But I think we’ll keep this one under wraps until England’s elimination or victory and then seek to monetise fully accordingly; the public love a good beefy jute cog story.

Day 20, 30th June: Netherlands 1-1 (2-3) Morocco, Ivory Coast 1-2 Norway, France 3-0 Sweden Day 20 Table

Morocco leave it late to equalise against the Dutch then dump them out on penalties for the right to be dumped out in the Quarters by the imperious French who themselves dumped out Sweden courtesy of an Mbappe brace Meanwhile Norway beat Ivory Coast via Haarland’s late strike

It’s a good day for footballing sage-in-chief Andy Mallett who plunders three perfect Red Tens and earns a 19-place rise for his 38-point troubles, now up to joint 17th. There’s useful mustard-cutting from Kevin Thomas with 32 points whilst Liam Pattinson’s 31 points leapfrog him once more to the table summit ahead of Philip Hornby in the latest instalment of their epic ding-dong battle.

Meanwhile in wings another nostalgic alcohol-enhanced throw-back anagram, this time from Turnoak’s very own Richard Evans:

Jules Rimet Trophy, is very nice to wenna win u back, and excite fraught heat'

Oh, the evocative imagery! Would that similar fraught heat be excited by Sir Harry of Kane lifting “the new one” come 19th July. Fantastic work Richard!

Day 21, 1st July: Mexico 2-0 Ecuador, England 2-1 DR Congo, Belgium 3-2 Senegal (AET) Day 21 Table

England leave it late to score two to get out of a sticky situation against Doc Congo but are mere amateurs at the game compared with Belgium who looked bath-bound at 2-0 down with 5 minutes to go before Romelu Lukaku and Youri Tielemans pulled things out the fire, the latter even pretending to be friends again with Leandro Trossard (until the next time). A VAR-penalty controversy sealed the matter for Belgium, leaving Senegal head scratching.

Elsewhere and it’s Alex Burman looking like the cat that got the 40-point perfect-day cream, Alfie Bennett looking like the cat that got the pretty good 33-point dream-topping and Lee Henderson, Stu Smith and Chris Staples looking like 31-point skimmed-milk cats, all still quite plump but watching their respective figures. Meanwhile Chris Maylin and Mike Walshe are the day’s emaciated alley-cats, their zero-point hauls serving to make AIs JG Claude and JG Grok feel, in a threat to their logic circuits, a little bit less self-conscious about their similarly blank days.

Day 22, 2nd July: United States 2-0 Bosnia-Herzegovina, Spain 3-0 Austria, Portugal 2-1 Croatia, Switzerland 2-0 Algeria Day 22 Table

The day’s results have “Richard Evans reaching for the Heavens” (well 4th place anyway) courtesy of 44 hard-earned points, one more than Philip Hornby who reclaims the top berth. Tom Clayton’s 37 allow him to leapfrog Liam Pattison into second spot, Liam’s meagre 20 points just not “dissecting the Dijon” at this level. There’s 37 points scored up and down the board in fact with the likes of Stu Smith, John Irwin, Richard Scorer, Ray Charlton, Andrew Hammond and Lauren Newell doing themselves no harm at all, unlike Chris Maylin, Mike Walshe, JG Claude AI, Ian Maylin, JG Grok AI and Fiona Bennett who all fail to trouble the scorers. And not all of them can blame Neapolitan sun-stroke.

Meanwhile the Hydra that is Ian and Claire Woodland has done it again, this time observing that after tonight’s final whistle Portugal’s finest has been ingratiating himself to the POTUS with well-received recommendations of facial melanin-enhancers, albeit given under the cold, close watch of a professional man-mountain body-guard from Houston.

The Ronaldo face tints are a Trump winner but huge Texan Jev Whickey is icy.

Excellent work indeed.

Day 23, 3rd July: Australia 1-1 (2-4) Egypt (AET), Argentina 3-2 Cape Verde, Colombia 1-0 Ghana Day 23 Table

On a difficult day to predict it’s Graham Jenrick out of nowhere taking the day’s plaudits with a superb 31 points albeit tracked closely by 29-point scores for Turnoak-turnouts Andrew and Karen Woodland and also Tom Clayton who once more reclaims top spot in what is proving to be a battle-royal for the bragging rights.

Meanwhile Michael Frain, never one to recline on his lexicon laurels for too long, snaps back into action with news of a local supermarket offer for those with SMS capability and a strong constitution.

Nearby junket.... Text "pundit"; win chic Alan Shearer mug with every Tesco loaf.

Amazing stuff, one per family please.

Day 24, 4th July: Canada 0-3 Morocco, Paraguay 0-1 France Day 24 Table

While the top five all shadow box themselves to a 12-point holding-pattern there are 17-point top-scores shared by the likes of Warre Piters, Matt Micale, (Miles) Lewis Kelly, Ollie Potter and Matthew Burgess whilst Jack Clayton, Steve Berry and Rhoda Miles muster a respectable 15 points apiece.

Meanwhile sitting back up at the Anagram Table once more it’s Ian and Claire Woodland whose collective heads have produced another corker of which Sir Arthur Conan Doyle himself would have been proud, his detective creation deducing from the very barest of evidence that the murder of a high-class call-girl in a mobile toilet was carried out by a recently-homeless England defender of elevated stature.

Sherlock Homes caught reject tenant Dan Burn wipe "Fruity Ivy" in a wee taxi.

Eat your heart out Moriarty.

Day 25, 5th July: Brazil 1-2 Norway, Mexico 2-3 England Day 25 Table

There are bleary eyes aplenty after England’s 10-man overnight success against Mexico, eyes already pre-blearied by Norway’s unexpected dispatching of Brazil.

As you might expect there were few takers for this combination of events but Loic Martens bags himself 21 game-day points with Steph Valentin’s 19 points making up at least some ground on the other half of TCSMI-LC whilst there are respectable 17-point showings from Warre Piters and Richard Collins.

Day 26 6th July: Portugal 0-1 Spain, United States 1-4 Belgium Day 26 Table

Spain dump Portugal out resulting in the water-proof properties of Ronaldo’s facial melanin-enhancer being sorely tested whilst Belgium teach Donald Trump and Gianni Infantino a thing or four about trying to mess with the great game’s complex suspension rules.

Again, no takers for the full points on offer but it’s Dave Herbert who comes closest gaining 17 of the blighters together with none other than Fiona Bennett leveraging the famed recovery properties of Paracetamol, Aloe Vera and Jack Daniels whilst Andy Mallett and Matthew Burgess weigh in with 15 points each and moderate table progress.

Day 27 7th July: Argentina 3-2 Egypt, Switzerland 0-0(4-3) Colombia (AET) Day 27 Table

Argentina come back from the brink against Egypt while Switzerland surprise Colombia and a few other people too by earning a penalty-based progression to the Quarters. George Geaves profits the most with 17 points, Steves Melton and Bell taking 15 points apiece along with Ken Bryan, finally making his competition move.

Day 28 9th July: (Quarter Final) France 2-0 Morocco Day 28 Table

We’re down to the single game-days now and with every point vital in the race for 85th place it’s Francesca Clayton staking her claim in determined 12-point fashion, foreseeing the French dispatchment of Morocco in precise detail as did 14 others to be fair including top knobs Tom Clayton and Liam Pattison still locked in their epic battle like two angry stag beetles quibbling over a woodlouse. Probably.

Meanwhile Michael Frain takes a retrospective re-watch of the Deutsche-demise against Paraguay and provides a succinct analysis accordingly including grounds for a possible appeal to the Court of Arbitration for Sport:

Injunction. Axe weary wilty unbacked Fuhrer vacate the premises tonight.

Certainly nothing that a Trump/Infantino-backed word to the judges couldn’t have sorted out you feel.

Day 29 10th July: (Quarter Final) Spain 2-1 Belgium Day 29 Table

There is much gnashing of teeth amongst the Ant Twerps as Belgium succumb to a late Spanish winner although you feel that the consolidation of 3rd place in the constructors table should ease the pain somewhat. Thirty Red Ten people were pretty happy about the turn of events, including two actual Twerps (no names – maintaining office harmony is paramount) and indeed forty others foresaw the match result so quite a few happy bunnies out there, none more so than Liam Pattison who once again leap frogs Tom Clayton to gain the top spot in the epic ding-dong summit battle.

Day 30 11th July: (Quarter Finals) Norway 1-2 England, Argentina 3-1 Switzerland (AET) Day 30 Table

England book another clash with the old enemy after a Bellingham brace sinks the Norwegian longboat and Argentina see off 10-man Switzerland.

Karen Woodland and competition slow-burner Matt Micale aren’t surprised one iota by the turn of events however, both players scooping the maximum available 27 points. There are plenty of 19-point scores all over the pitch but particularly at the top where the cream remains pretty static (clotted?) accordingly.

In other news Ian and Claire Woodland just won’t let Michael Frain rest in his alphabet armchair, producing a retort of high quality, one which documents the precise circumstances of the elevenses-break during the little known meeting between Larry Hagman and England FC Dallas fan Mr M. Rashford on the set of an Indian reservation:

Texas oil baron J R Ewing eats fruit cake with Marcus hunched in tepee.

We are running out of superlatives in this battle.

Day 31 14th July: (Semi Final) France 0-2 Spain Day 31 Table

In the shock of the evening, everybody’s nailed on World Cup winner France are given the run around by Spain with Tottenham Hotspur’s finest Pedro Porro providing an accomplished second and proving the French luck was absent.

Only 22 takers for an Iberian victory and only one, Matt Micale, taking the Red Ten honours, ruthlessly milking the advantage of not changing his original prediction which, to be fair, was for a France v Spain encounter in this fixture so top work, top work which earns a six place jump into the top ten for the competition’s sole antipodean applicant. With nine of the erstwhile top ten in the table all drawing blanks including the top four it’s as you were at the sharp end with Liam Pattison still 4 points clear of Tom Clayton with Philip Hornby a further 9 points behind. You feel that come stumps it will be one of these three troubling the engravers what with fourth-placed Richard Evans an additional 30 points adrift. Andrew Woodland’s 6 points improves his chances in the Turnoak tussle, still fifth but now just two points behind the aforementioned Richard Evans.

Day 32 15th July: (Semi Final) England 1-2 Argentina Day 32 Table

England once again can't cope with actually taking the lead in a match that matters and high hopes are dashed again as Thomas Tuchel's Teutonic retaliation plays out with our 8 defenders unable to stop two late goals from the Argentine kings of the fair-play league turning things around.

The grief isn’t universal however as 13 points are taken by Quislings Stu Smith, Gianni Mohebati, Andy Mallett, Ferre Piters, Jon Jackson, Martin Jurkowski, Ellie Iwin and that man again Matt Micale again prophesying the existence of this match and the very scoreline before Shakira had started her vocal exercises.

No introspective fretting for Michael Frain who sees an opportunity in the situation to re-assert the authority of his quill by offering up this silver lining which (alas) accurately precises the evening’s entertainment:

Tom's uncreative twitchy boys gain herculean defeat. Perkier junta win.

Incredible stuff! It almost makes one glad for the result that such dexterous word-play can be given a platform on which to perform. Almost.

Day 33 18th July: (3rd Place Play-off) France 4-6 England Day 33 Table

A most ludicrous match. England somehow get 4-0 up at half-time and somehow aren’t 4-5 down by the second hydration break (RIP), primarily it would seem due to Michael Olise slavishly obeying Didier Deschamps masterplan to keep Thomas Tuchel in post and thereby make England a gimme for his old mate Zinédine Zidane come Euro 2028.

The available twenty competition points on offer are eschewed by every right-thinking player, and many wrong-thinking ones too, so little change in the league table that matters and it’s certainly pretty much as you were in the top 8.

Amid all the ten-goal excitement, Michael Frain issues this stinging soliloquy on the evening’s events, a soliloquy that stingingly describes a young relative’s smart-phone thoughts on proceedings after England crash out, the car flags have been binned and the attention span exceeded.

Text: "Ur... Whatever". Raj Khalif, my beyond autistic nephew's uncaring reaction.

A perfect encapsulation of the apathy of modern youth, a youth no longer prepared after a footballing disappointment to show their commitment to the cause by flinging white plastic chairs round a previously-quaint foreign town square prior to a dowsing by the Carabinieri water-cannon, a swift visitation from a side-handle baton and a more drawn-out lesson on how they still sort things out in the police cells in these climes. Perfect work Michael.

Day 34 19th July: (Final) Spain 1-0 Argentina (AET) Day 34 Table (Final Table!)