Euro 2024 Competition
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29th May: Intensive preparations started for this year's competition ie the competition mascot was Googled. Have you seen that thing?! Albärt. He looks like the oversized love-child of World Cup Willie and SpongeBob SquarePants. Expect children across Europe to have sleeping difficulties throughout the summer.

1st June: Competition Launch! Complete with the Anagram element to keep all the wordy-wordsmiths interested. This year's phrase that pays is....

Harry Kane hopes for a win. A great victory in Berlin must be expected.

Get those thinking-caps on, and those anagrammatical offerings in.

2nd June: First entry received! And would you believe it, it's none other than Dom Shepherd! Dom knocks Martin Foster off his usual first-responder perch, returning to the fray for the first time since the Russia 2018 World Cup so he's had plenty of time to think.

5th June: Twelve entries now received including from two competition newbies Catarina Rocha and Thali Wolf who lend their collective weight to the Scitech Belgium Office Team. Like it needs it.

6th June: The tournament that no-doubt won’t stop giving throws up an early pre-shock as EGLF (England’s Greatest Living Foulee) Manchester City* forward Jack Grealish is unceremoniously dumped from the squad. Initial fears that Jack’s hotel room television would make a Gazza-esque visit to the swimming pool proved unfounded however. These England squad venues have upped their game in recent years, subtly deploying non-scratch melamine, anti-graffiti paint and vandal-proof wardrobe fixings as well as generally nailing down anything that moves. When Jack’s fevered rummage through the hotel mini-bar only turned up a large screwdriver of the vodka variety rather than a Phillips No.2 the moment of potential crisis was averted and it was able to be spun that Jack had taken Gareth’s call “like a true professional”. We are led to believe that a number of “senior members of the squad” went to enquire of the Gaffer regarding the wisdom of his decision but any potential rebellion dissipated when it became clear that the squad’s collective room deposits were not in danger after all, the hotel manager agreeing to overlook the cost of the twelve crushed bathroom beakers in return for a signed photo of Bukayo Saka. Whilst we are on this subject though do let’s spare a thought for the Marketing Director of Hellman’s Mayonnaise whose inspired decision to make our Jack his “Brand Ambassador” for the summer has left him with sauce on his face as well as on the shelves. His very own EMI moment apparently extended to the creation of a special “Grealish Burger” (high in Hellman’s accompaniment) and with an associated marketing campaign all primed to flood the airwaves and social media at strategic points throughout the tournament. When asked if we’d now been spared things a Hellman’s PR representative said that he thought the Gordon Burger would prove very popular.

All this aside, the big unanswered elephant in the room is who is going to “draw a foul” and “fall over” 40 yards from goal when we really need it now?

7th June, Final warm-up friendlies: England 0-1 Iceland, Scotland 2-2 Finland

Gareth, the wily old fox that he is, gets the job of lowering any England expectations done in a thoroughly professional manner, shocking even his previous doubters who are now forced to give credit where credit is due. Meanwhile Scotland manage to manufacture a 2-0 confidence builder against a different Viking horde before sentimentally bringing on retiree goalkeeper Craig Gordon for one final squander, this time featuring a two-fisted flying punch into the face of a Finnish forward. The resulting award of a penalty kick is agreed to by VAR if not the commentator whose views on the matter seemed "quite well assimilated" shall we say. Next stop Munich for the Tartan Army!

12th June: As we enter the pre-football phoney war period with nothing to do except pace nervously up and down the competition changing room, each of us lost in our own private contemplation of either our potential greatness to come or else our banishment to history as a mere footballing footnote, just stopping briefly every 10 minutes or so to apply yet another layer of Ralgex to our suspect groin muscles (no responsibility taken) up pops Lee Henderson, blatantly overstepping the Anagram competition starting gun, with an unsolicited yet topical pre-emptive Scrabble-strike:

A brave election prayer Rishi. Deep, tight, burnt, sex farce monk on way.

An excellent opener Lee! Although one that should perhaps not be over-analysed. Early as it was, now that this eternal epithet has come in rather than call everyone back like that bloke with the Trilby hat tried to at the Grand National that year after he cocked up lifting the string, I'm just waving everybody on. Lee may have gained an unsporting couple of chains' head start on the field but it's a long old steeplechase from here. So chasing pack, just get after him.

"Forget all the boring football, it's the
Debenham's Blue Cross Sale Event that really gets my heart racing."

A sadly all too predictable start to the footballing competition. Except it clearly wasn’t as not a single soul had Germany to put more than three past the expected resolute Scottish defence. Clearly nobody had reckoned on Ryan Porteous’s “show of commitment” on the stroke of what would have been half time. After dispensing his lunging bone-breaker on Gündogan’s right ankle we were treated to a fine rendition of the old feigning your own injury routine to make it look like “an honest 50:50 challenge, in fact if anything I reckon the free kick was to us”. Even the Scottish physios conspired, the supporting actors working feverishly on a perfectly healthy Caledonian leg but it was to no avail as the Leandro Trossard looky-likey referee wasn’t being fooled and certainly didn’t need more than one of the 27 VAR camera angles to award the penalty and brandish the red card accordingly. To be fair from a difficult position the Scots did a reasonable job of holding the Germanic tribe at bay in the second half and even managed the last laugh with a curious Rüdiger headed OG. Until it wasn’t the last laugh after all.

In our little competition a total of 24 players contrived 6 points from the scoring formula, with the vagaries of the league table spreadsheet operation turning up two competition new-comers in the top three, Thali Wolf and Catarina Rocha sandwiching old dependable Martin Foster. Many congratulations indeed to Thali and Catarina. Heart-warming stuff.

But the fact that the football and indeed our competition have finally got underway matters not one jot to Michael Frain. A Michael Frain who is a stickler for the conventions of polite society. A Michael Frain stung into immediate restorative action by Lee Henderson’s early wordy gamesmanship. A Michael Frain offering to all his informative yet cautionary maxim for a full life:

Phrase that pays.
Be funny.
New Bikini.
Overexert.
Electrocardiogram.

Top work Michael! Any other offers?

Day 2, 15th June: Hungary 1-3 Switzerland, Spain 3-0 Croatia, Italy 2-1 Albania Day 2 Table

Fairly regulation footy results you would think but a curiously low scoring day as Barry Braine and Andy Mallett claim the only red ink. However it's chip-off-the-old-block Stewart Burgess who finally make's some use of his gap year to take the table top spot courtesy of a steady points accumulation. Good lad.

Elsewhere, Lee Henderson senses an indignant silk-clad Michael Frain coming up on the inside and gives his steed a gentle wake-up thrash to restore the gap in the Anagram Stakes with this tabloid exclusive:

Corry's extravert septuagenarian behemoth Ken Barlow in edify pic

Were I a pedant I should point out that the actor William Roache is in fact 92 and so not a septuagenarian at all but that would be churlish, although I feel I should point out that the actor William Roache is in fact 92 and so not a septuagenarian at all. That said, despite being at least 13 years late, truly superb work Lee. Where do we go from here??

Ryan Porteous opens the door.

So England get their challenge underway and rather like sitting through a performance of Waiting for Godot it slowly dawns that it's an uncomfortable wasted two hours you'll never get back. The only plus was that the assembled luminaries generally called it out for what it was, unlike those pretentious toffs who try to tell you that Samuel Beckett's tedious hogwash is "the best play ever written" and lead you to doubt your sanity and/or question the very functioning of your eyes and ears. We were informed that at this stage of the competition it isn't about playing good football it's more about "getting the job done" which apparently England did. So that's alright then.

Someone else who got the job done - Andrew Maylin! He knew just what to expect indeed, his 36-point Lou Reed-er catapulting him to the top of the table, with love-birds Charlotte Brumby and Matt other-chip-off-the-old-block Burgess in second and third, the only people vaguely limiting the damage of the Maylin mayhem. At the other end of the proceedings it seems Dan Newell, Andy Turvil and Mark Akhurst all need to get those stones out of their shoes a bit sharpish or they'll get lapped.

But the really hot news is that a new entrant has dipped his quill into the Anagram Stakes competition! Yes, it's none other than Steve Bell letting out the reins and challenging the hitherto cosy duopoly with this light-hearted topical take on the run-up to World War 3:

Part rat Putin annexes my own edible frock. Oh treachery give rabies.

Absolutely fantastic Steve! It finally makes that impending biological warfare all seem worth it.

A totally random England fan gets asked her opinion of the England win.

There are tears aplenty in Desguinlei as Belgium come an unexpected cropper against plucky (it’s always plucky) Slovakia. The only goal of the game came courtesy of a possession give-away by Manchester City* speedster Jeremy Doku who aptly demonstrated why Pep Guardiola tends to play him at left wing rather than right back. A host of unconverted Belgium chances and two Romelu Lukaku strikes VARed-out meant that, alas, we had “our first real shock of the tournament”, assuming you don’t count just how bad the tournament opening ceremony was as being a shock these days.

With the well-fancied Ukrainians also falling short it was a low scoring competition day, Adriana Pascaru and Martin Foster claiming joint bests of 14 points. Meanwhile Charlotte Brumby contrives the nul points polar opposite of a “Lou Reed” Perfect Day which, upon Googling, turns out to be a “Poor Righteous Teachers feat. Junior Reid” Dreadful Day. Not a very catchy phrase (unlike the song which leans heavily on House of the Rising Sun by the Animals) so let’s hope we don’t have cause to use it again, certainly not for Charlotte anyway. At the top of the table Andrew Maylin remains in place although one senses that a Graham Clayton-shaped shark is circling if Andrew doesn’t get a wiggle back on.

A day of late, late goals. First we were treated the classic break-away Turkish dribble into an undefended net after the Georgia goalie went up field for the last-gasp corner in search of an equaliser and a spot on his country’s TV chat show circuit, and then Portugal grabbed a late turn-around winner against the Czech Republic whose unfortunate No.4 must have wished he’d missed the team bus today.

All this drama led to ten people gaining an impressive 19 points on the day, with none utilising their points better than Dave Herbert who leapfrogs from sixth place to top-spot just like that. And just when we thought that lightning couldn't strike twice up pops Kevin West with his very own Poor Righteous Teachers feat. Junior Reid performance.

In an entertaining encounter with Switzerland, Scotland have their early lead pegged back by a wonder goal from former Anfield-favourite Xherdan Shaqiri. You have to hold your hands up at the quality of the strike; if only Angus Gunn the Scottish goalie had done that a little quicker he might have saved it but at least Scotland are up and running. Elsewhere there's a regulation win for Germany and a last gasp draw for the Balkan brothers Croatia and Albania.

With a few notable exceptions it's a high scoring day with the day’s max of 26 points apiece going to Chris Hayward, Andy Mallett, Jon Gregory's AI, Liam Pattison and Steve Tinson. The 24 points bagged by Andrew Maylin are enough to see him reclaim top spot like a true pro.

Back to Aintree, and Lee Henderson eases further clear of the field with this overheard extract from Gareth’s team pep talk ahead of tomorrow’s Denmark clash, a pep talk which could well lead to problems for the players selected for the post-match drugs test.

Man, we three lion happened to try funkier sexy soccer, rabbit Viagra?

Brilliant stuff! And a real gauntlet thrown down...

Day 7, 20th June: Slovenia 1-1 Serbia, Denmark 1-1 England, Spain 1-0 Italy Day 7 Table

Different day, same script. Another woeful offering from the England team with the only discernible difference this time being that the luck ran out and the oppos managed to get one in our onion sack too. There was a lot of negative sentiment around Gareth’s post-match presser but I think we should all feel incredibly grateful to him. No, don’t laugh, hear me out. Well they say that “it’s the hope that kills you”, and so, following the extinguishing of any right-minded person’s last vestiges of optimism we are all now destined to live to a ripe old age. QED.

To where it matters, and quisling Dave Herbert was cheering on proceedings at the Frankfurt Arena, proceedings which netted him a cool 12 points, 50 pieces of silver and re-elevation to the top spot in the table with a day score of 24 points, topped only by Henry Bennett’s mid-table dream-launcher of 25.

Day 8, 21st June: Slovakia 1-2 Ukraine, Poland 1-3 Austria, Netherlands 0-0 France Day 8 Table

In an ominous sign for Russia, Ukraine turned a half-time deficit around to run out victorious whilst Poland were floored again, this time by Austria while the Netherlands and France played out a cagey and indeed rare goalless draw, Kylian Mbappe notably absent with a broken beak.

Dave Herbert maintains his lead despite a disappointing 8 points showing some human frailty, the main advantage takers being Matt Burgess and Jon Gregoy’s AI whose 21 points apiece bring them into striking distance alongside other notables Thomas Clayton plus Andrews Foggo and Burgess. Other 21 Today-ers are Martin Foster, Richard Evans and Karen Woodland but this is mere piffle to Ian & Claire Woodland (the competition's most in-love couple) who take the spoils with the day’s best 22 points.

Elsewhere, with Gareth bemoaning the loss of Jordan Henderson as the reason for all our woes, we have no such need as our very own Hendo, the prolific Lee, serves up more food for thought:

Andrew Burgess – a hyperactive inhabitant, more fork Excel pointery

What can I say? Other than that I am truly humbled that my crude spreadsheet programming skills are finally recognised in such a public forum. Blush emoji.

Day 9, 22nd June: Georgia 1-1 Czech Republic, Turkey 0-3 Portugal, Belgium 2-0 Romania Day 9 Table

Turkey serve up the classic own goal that every tournament needs to be able to say that it’s really underway now but more remarkable than that was the spectacle of Ronaldo actually passing the ball to a better-placed compatriot as Portugal cruised home. But enough of that, the hot news of the day was Belgium getting back on track. Despite Lukaku’s failure to cut his toe nails resulting in another ruled-out goal, Belgium ran out easy winners to put the smiles back into those Desguinlei coffee breaks.

Meanwhile, it’s a high scoring day in the competition with Sam Thompson taking home the most bacon with a cool 31 points, Helena Bennett and David Jackson just slightly warmer with 30 points apiece. Such is the level of the competition now that the likes of Richard Scorer and Drew Millin with their mere 28 points don’t warrant any mention at all. David Herbert’s 18 points consolidates top spot while the Clayton Clan maintain their position atop the team performance table, a position theirs since Day 4.

Day 10, 23rd June: Switzerland 1-1 Germany, Scotland 0-1 Hungary Day 10 Table

In the Group A denouement Scotland are sadly knocked out by a 90+10’ goal as they pushed forward in search of their own winner, a winner that they should have had for a 79th minute penalty when Stuart Armstong was unceremoniously bundled to the ground in the box. Alas it transpired that the VAR man’s bladder could only last 78 minutes and he was off sorting things out at the time so the ref, aware of this and judging that discretion is very much the better part of valour, chose to wave things on authoritatively to “keep the game moving” and so the moment, and indeed the evening, was lost. Elsewhere Switzerland scared the already-qualified Germany team who needed their own late injury time header into the onion sack to prevent defeat.

Jens Dekeyser is the man of the moment in the competition, his 23 points earning a 28 place rise up the table and into 22nd spot. Respectable 18s from Drew Millin and Jason Cotton do them no harm, Drew using his to sneak into 3rd spot with Jason sneaking into 58th.

Meanwhile a new entrant in the competition that counts. Yes Malcolm Clayton breaks cover and shows that there can never be a day off when it comes to campaigning to rejoin the EU, his grass-roots zeal generating this aphorism of the day:

Brexit makes life very nasty briar. Cheaper pound gone with no trace.

Brilliant stuff indeed Malcolm! That said, the sudden thought of a UK return to the EU wipes away the smiles once more in those Desguinlei coffee breaks.

Day 11, 24th June: Albania 0-1 Spain, Croatia 1-1 Italy Day 11 Table

In the Group B decider day, Spain see off Albania in routine fashion whilst in the big clash a last gasp banger from Calafiori leaves Croatia packing their bags in cruel fashion, possibly in place of Italy them very selves but how anyone knows from the ludicrous UEFA system I’ve no idea.

Neither Steve Melton nor Henry Bennett care one jot about Luka Modric’s tears as they plunder the day’s full 23-point booty. Plenty of journeymen competitors extract a respectable 18 points from the misery, notably Drew Millin and Jon Gregory’s AI to keep the pressure on Dave Herbert at the sharp end of the table, with Wesley Piters finally coming to the Red 10 party at the blunt end of proceedings. This leaves Elliot Taylor as the only person this year yet to experience that special glow of Red 10 pride. The very same Elliot Taylor that, according to the archive, actually won Euro 2020/21 and with ten lots of red ink to his name to boot. A decline in form not seen since Gazza thought it would be a good idea to take Jimmy 5 Bellies with him to help him settle in at Lazio and a salutary lesson to us all in what can happen if you rest on your laurels and don’t nurture a special talent. Just turning up isn’t enough anymore, the game has moved on.

Day 12, 25th June: Netherlands 2-3 Austria, France 1-1 Poland, England 0-0 Slovenia, Denmark 0-0 Serbia Day 12 Table

Groups C & D come to a head in contrasting style. In a the game featuring another cracking own goal that needs to be seen, the tournament’s surprise package un previously fancied Austria see off the Dutch in a 5-goal roller coaster to take the Group D top spot ahead of a not-fully convincing France but Poland nevertheless bid us a fond farewell. Meanwhile Group C is finally put out of its misery in goalless fashion, Gareth Southgate’s team of strangers somehow ending up top with Serbia the ones to go home with the title of worst team in the worst Euros group ever. Respec’.

The excess of patriotic pre-match England optimism and the general dismissal of Austria as anything other than a novelty entrant in the tournament means that it’s generally a low-scoring day. Karen Connerney and Kevin West top the charts with 18 points, Kevin utilising his years as a Portsmouth supporter to be the only one to foresee the England 0-0 bore-fest. Mark Akhurst and Andy Kay finally awake from their lower-reach respective slumbers courtesy of Red 10ing the France game along with the aforementioned Karen Connerney.

Groups E & F are put to bed and with them the Group Stage. In Group E Belgium play out a goalless draw with Ukraine, the main point of interest being the horrific Belgium kit. Now I’m no Beau Brummell but even I wouldn’t dream of sending a team out with a blue and brown strip so mis-matched that it looked like they’d had to raid the school lost property box after an “accident”. The group finishes 4-points all round with goal difference dictating that Ukraine go home, Romania top the pile and Belgium finish second to earn a match-up with France in the knock-outs. In Group F a spirited Georgia stun Ronaldo et al and a good old-fashioned bad-tempered 16 yellow card/2 red card match sees the 10-man Czech Republic take an early bath after being turned over by Turkey.

Sleeping giants John Whittle and Lee Henderson come to the competition party with 25 points each earning healthy rises up the table, as Stijn Stengele finally puts his back into the Belgium effort with a creditable 24 points which help lift the Ant Twerps off the foot of the team table. Dave Herbert stretches his lead at the top of the individual table to 12 points as his closest challengers falter under the pressure. How does he do it?

But the really hot news is that we have another new entrant in the Anagram stakes in the form of non-other than Liam Pattison who sums up the woes of the England team in a single pithy expose:

Foden exit to see new baby. Harrrry Run! The team lack pace, grip, vision.

Fantastic stuff Liam, you’ve hit the nail on its very head! And with Phil Foden indeed jumping ship, preferring to change dirty nappies over listening to another England team pep-talk, one suspects that his new bairn will not be named Gareth even if it is a boy, as the Premier League Player of the year must himself be all too conscious that under Southgate’s sophisticated tactics he’s playing like he’s back at Junior school.

The Belgium team discuss taking direct action against the kit man.

To the knockouts! And Switzerland stun Italy by employing the novel concept of simply playing as a team, well organised by their silver-quiffed manager who looks a right laugh. The other match between Germany and Denmark was interrupted for 22 minutes by rain and lightning. When they came back on Michael “Why always me?” Oliver proved that lightning can strike the same place more than once as he holds his ear and motions for calm twice in quick succession to the German’s advantage, the totally unbiased team from Stockly Garten firstly ruling out a Danish goal for a clear and obvious toe-nail offside and then immediately awarding a German penalty justified by the same artificial Snicko trace that keeps getting wheeled out whenever needed. I think the Danes knew the game was up long before the end, accepting that there was eventually going to be a price to pay for having the cheek to win that 1992 final when they should have been on holiday.

So with the knockout protagonists now known there was a chance for people to re-cast new guesses in some kind of vain hope that this might be advantageous. The assembled predictions both new and old are shown here with people’s revised guesses in blue.

Day 15, 30th June: England 2-0 Slovakia, Spain 4-1 Georgia Day 15 Table

In a truly dreadful performance England prove that D Ream were wildly over-optimistic, with things in fact only getting worse. We were seconds away from the prospect of Gareth Southgate exiting out the back door of St Georges Park with nothing more than his favourite stapler in a shoe box when up popped Jude Bellingham with an overhead national face-saver kick, followed up shortly afterwards by a Harry Kane high-gloss header to conclude the most unlikely of come-backs. In the other match, Spain showed exactly how a top team should react to going one down, running out 4-1 winners without having to resort to panicking and national introspection.

Malcolm Clayton and Steve Bell both correctly predict the Spanish 4-1 to earn themselves a record 15 points in one game and a cool 21 points on the day. At the top of the table Andrew Foggo, Jens Dekeyser and Chris Hayward all do themselves a favour but at the very top Dave Herbert’s Ali Shuffle continues to keep the trouble at bay although his lead is trimmed slightly to 7 points over Jon Gregory’s AI.

Over in Anagram central, another new entrant hoves into view and it’s none other than competition stalwart Martin Foster who seems less than impressed with today’s proceedings and proffers the following Teutonic warning:

When is excitement happening? Fear irrevocably rutted by a Kroos r

Excellent work indeed Martin! You must be very excited.

German technology does its thing.

A cruel deflection off Jan Vertonghen’s knee sees the last vestiges of Belgium’s golden generation go out against France in disappointing style. And with a corresponding downturn in the performance of the Ant Twerps (now down to 8th in the Table of Truth) there are bound to be difficult questions raised in the Belgian Federal Parliament. Sad Emoji. Meanwhile, in the Portugal v Slovenia clash there was a tearful dawning for Christiano Ronaldo that he was never going to score. As the match went into extra time Portugal just couldn’t find a way through Slovenia gradually shut up shop, their players ecstatic that they had made it through to penalties and the 50-50 chance it presented – or not. Three hapless Slovenian penalty attempts later and we were all wondering why on earth they’d bothered to waste everyone's time.

The day’s top performers with 13 points amassed were Henry Bennett, Jonty Margetts, Jason Cotton, Mike Walshe, Andrew Johnson and - wait for it - Warre Piters whose self-fulfilling prophesy ultimately caused Belgium to lose 1-0. Whilst this earns young Warre those precious 11 points it also earns him a night sleeping in the shed. Kevin West returns to form with zero points on the day but at least he won’t have cold ears in the morning, unlike you Warre.

Lo! What is this? It’s another new entrant in the Anagram stakes in the form of none-other than Monica Williams with a stunning debut effort, a debut effort which succinctly describes a typical whirlwind celebrity wedding in this crazy modern world of ours.

For bright actor Kanye West marries an unexpected Beryl via iPhone

Well I for one am glad to know that Kanye is finally over Kim, although I am worried as this Beryl sounds like a gold digger to me. What can you do though, he’s got to learn for himself. Brilliant work Monica!

Day 17, 2nd July: Austria 1-2 Turkey, Romania 0-3 Netherlands Day 17 Table

The Dutch pepper the Romania goal all match only making the game safe however with a late second goal before then rubbing salt on Romanian wounds with a 90’+3 third. In the other match the competition’s surprise package Austria got out-surprised by Turkey in a game of three corner-chaos goals and with a cracking last minute stop by the Turkish goalie saving us from a re-run of last night’s time-waste.

There are top scores of 17 points on the day from Stewart Burgess and indeed Richard Scorer, who finally gets to prove that nominative determinism is a thing after all. Elsewhere there are plenty of zeroes, but there is also safety in numbers so anonymity is preserved. In the team game the Clayton Clan are still the ones to beat.

There are tears of joy for Ronaldo as he gets a Red 10 after predictiing 0-0 for Portugal v Slovenia.

An evening of ruined TV schedules as a spirited Germany peg back Spain late on to send us into extra-time only for Germany to be out-spirited by Spain with a late late Merino header ending Tony Kroos's playing career after all despite Anthony Taylor doing all he could to keep the game as long as he could. In the other match France seemed to stutter but held on to the end of the still goalless extra-time and then held their nerve in the spot-kicks as the News at Ten looked for a new name.

And it's the in-out Kevin West in those news once more courtesy of a perfect day score of 23 points earning him a healthy 18-place rise up the table to his rightful position of 58th. There are very unshabby scores of 19 points apiece for Fiona Bennett, Kevin Thomas as well as Graham Clayton straining his sinews to keep the Clayton Clan clear at the top of the Team Table. At the top of the Individual Medley the upshot is that Dave Herbert extends his lead to 3 points over Jon Gregory’s AI but this masks the fact that Dave had briefly dropped to joint 3rd place after predicting a German win but with the pressure on, and like the true pro that he is, he then yanked 6 points out of the French fire to resume normal service at day’s end. Incidentally it should be mentioned that Andrew Foggo has moved up into a threatening third place off the back of pocketing a Red 10 from the Spanish 2-1 defeat of Germany. This is the same Andrew Foggo who lives in Germany, works in Germany and who is married to Jackie, a native of the Bundesrepublik of Germany. The same Andrew Foggo who is no-doubt as we speak partaking of a period of “quiet introspection” whilst trying to contact Wesley Piters to enquire if, after four days now, there might finally be a vacancy in his shed.

Elsewhere, and sleeping giant Lee Henderson awakes, spurred into action by the multifarious challengers popping up as well as topical national events thus:

Ha, fab Sir Keir wins huge, exit overconcerned, beaten Tory, paltry map.

Incredible stuff from Lee! Who knew? It appears the Tories didn't stand a chance from the moment the phrase-that-pays was set.

Vitinha books Michael Oliver for over-celebrating his Red 10 Portugal v France 0-0 prediction.
Why always him?

Another thoroughly dull, dismal and demoralising performance. Yes Gareth Southgate’s post-match presser after yet another England luck-out this time against Switzerland was as predictable and formulaic as ever with the spouting of the usual post-match platitudes extolling “character”, “resilience”, “bravery” and “digging deep”. Without a hint of irony Gareth added that winning tournaments “isn’t just about playing well” and then, as the footballing beer-goggles really kicked in, described England’s performance as “brilliant”. In the preceding football match England escaped an ignominious defeat once again when Saka momentarily defied the strict team orders and had a speculative pot-shot that went in-off to take us into penalties, penalties where Jordan Pickford being Jordan Pickford managed to embarrass both nations for different reasons. In the other match a spirited Netherlands side came from behind at half time to beat Turkey and so “earn the right” to play England in the semis.

The day’s full 25 points is greedily accepted by both Henry Bennett and Wesley “competitive Dad” Piters, the latter desperately trying to chase down young Warre whose own 15 points however serve to keep his father firmly in the rear-view mirror. Meanwhile there’s a decent 19 point haul for Catarina Rocha, now up to 50th, and there’s 18 points apiece for Richard Collins and that man again Kevin West. But the hottest of hot news is at the top of the table where Dave Herbert is finally reeled in by the yapping hounds, the yappiest being Andrew Maylin closely followed by Warre Piters, Jon Gregory's AI, Thomas Clayton and Drew Millin, a blood-thirsty pack separated by just 3 points. As the end draws near it promises to be a real claw-biter!

On the wordy front Malcolm Clayton returns to the fray in emphatic style with a suggested career change for Michael Oliver thus:

Hurrying at a ban, shy patriotic VIP referee becomes next old banker.

Tremendous work Malcolm! I know the standard is daunting but if anybody else feels like chancing their anagram arm, please do!

As the penalty shootout gets underway Jordan Pickford suddenly remembers he's left the gas on.

France and Spain serve up a half decent game of soccerball with France taking an early lead and Spain storming back before half time courtesy mainly of a 16-year-old work experience kid. France battled gamely in the second half creating a few chances, but it was not to be and Spain make it through to the final on Sunday.

How does he do it? Dave Hebert, after the briefest of holidays down in 6th, is back atop of proceedings once more! His perfect Red 10 is enough to see off yesterday’s pack of yapping dogs who, with barky enthusiasm, were all led down a slightly false trail evidently set by some long-haired hunt saboteurs using nothing but a can of Lynx Africa. Six points just doesn't cut the mustard at this stage of the game. There can be no laurel-resting for Dave though as up pop new challengers in the shape of Jens Dekeyser and Richard Scorer who, after their own Red 10s, look ready to dismember any dawdling fox with no questions asked.

On the Anagram front there’s another corker from Lee Henderson which was alas lost in my inbox for a few days and is now slightly less topical than it was. All my bad, please imagine you are back in Day 15 and assessing the England route to the final:

Germany, Spain, Turkey or expletive France bored horn bitches await….

Sadly only Spain now remain in fact, the rather exotic French team described above becoming the latest outfit to take the E-Road home. But as ever the timeless quality of Lee’s anagram effort shines through.

As Napolean famously probably never said “give me a lucky general rather than a good one” and so it is with the FA Executive Committee. The FA’s luck this time also came in the shape of a small man with a power obsession and dressed in black, but this one very much didn’t keep his hands in his pockets. Indeed not. To everyone’s surprise he instead used them to draw an imaginary TV screen in the air to indicate a VAR-induced powder-puff England penalty that would have had Chelsea legend Ron “Chopper” Harris spinning in his grave if only he was dead. For that and a few other “50:50s” we are truly to be thankful. Still, it all makes up for that disallowed Lampard goal in 2010 before the days of goal line technology. And for that Russian linesman too. And what with Ollie Watkins nutmegging that unfortunate defender with 1 second of normal time to go and before the Ref got his chance to even things up in extra time, thus England stumbled over the line.

Still, credit where credit is due, somehow Southgate has got us into the final. With everyone now feeling a bit guilty about slagging him off for the first five matches, his absolute genius is that there is also zero expectation of us winning against the silky Spanish so he’s engineered the perfect no-lose situation for himself. And with tattooed England fans up and down the country desperately trying to fish their discarded waistcoats back out of their local Humana clothes bin, things really have turned round for Gareth. I sense an improved two year contract coming his way, and, just say we manage to get that same Ref again, defy the laws of the universe and somehow sneak a win (and let’s not forget that as we know from the Prem while there’s Cucurella there’s always hope), Gareth may possibly even be in line for a brand new deluxe electric stapler. What an absolute turn-around. His long-planned sabotage of Manchester United may just have to wait.

To competition matters… and what’s this! It’s none other than Richard “he scores when he wants” Scorer finally making his thrust for the top spot, potentially timing his run to perfection with his 6 points being enough to overhaul 2-point blinker Dave Herbert in cruel fashion. Nineteen patriotic souls take the full 13 points but there’s no name-check as time is money I’m afraid.

Alas no further anagrams submitted to brighten the day, so I’ll call that day a day.

Gareth's doppelgänger German Policeman can finally smile again.

And so as the final whistle blew in the Olympiastadion Berlin, the nation once again sighed a collective sigh of grief and misery, people up and down the country having to process the implications of the grim reality just witnessed. Yes, Mikel Oyarzabal’s 86th minute goal had somehow handed predictathon competition victory to Graham Clayton. Talk about timing your run. Like a curiously-shaped American stealth bomber, Graham’s radar signature was such that he had barely warranted a previous mention in the commentary and yet he somehow vectored in from 9th spot to first on the back of the final result. Whilst others had dutifully and patriotically foretold of England glory and shared happiness there was no such compunction from our Graham who was leaping off his chair in exaltation as the second Spanish goal went in and England’s 58-year wait was extended. That Graham was bought to this level of treachery by the mere prospect of internet immortality beggars belief. Would that Sir Gareth of Southgate had but one percent of Graham’s icy, dispassionate steel then the old knacker Harry Kane would have been reduced to putting out the cones for the pre-match kick-about rather than pretending there was a chance he was eventually going to come good on the pitch proper under that system. Still, we can all be wise after the event I suppose; let’s just hope that holds for the FA Executive Committee eh, nudge, nudge?

Whilst the prospect of renewed national pride, spirit and unification via an impromptu Bank Holiday (England-only) was expunged for another two years (possibly more) there was at least some solace to be realised from the sad events. The prospect of having to endure probably the worst Beatles dirge ever Hey Jude at every footballing gathering of three or more people for the next 58 years just doesn’t bear thinking about. Instead we can jauntily continue to sing Football’s Coming Home in post-post-ironic fashion, and, with World Cup 2026 marking yet another full decade of hurt, the chorus will once again scan like it was supposed to. Hooray to that. And furthermore we don’t have to feel any remorse now for watching things unfold on the BBC from the comfort of the living room, rather than bunking off work on an extended sicky, camping on an Autobahn hard shoulder for two weeks without washing, and surviving on a subsistence diet of Erdinger and pot noodles in order to scrape together the £3k necessary to purchase a dodgy after-market ticket from a chap named “Hans”. The crowing (no-doubt indulged in successive 5 Live interviews) about how it was “all worth it even if I do get sacked when I turn up back at work”, would have been insufferable.

Back to a wrap up of the competition proceedings and it was an incredibly close affair as one solitary point behind Graham Clayton’s 242 came Drew Millin in second on 241, who, as the Archive page will testify, has previous Bridesmaid form from his debut year of Brazil 2014. A further point behind Drew in third on 240 came Richard “Straight Outta Ray’s Ragbag” Scorer a player finally making it in the big time after numerous previous attempts – well done Richard, what took you? In a creditable 4th and cruelly just missing out on immortality was young Warre Piters showing dad how it should be done with his 239 points, and 5th place was a 238-point three-way tie between Jens Dekeyser, Helena Bennett and long-time leader Dave Herbert who, analysis shows, would have won the competition if no latter-stage re-predicting was allowed. But it is. Many congratulations to everybody!

In the team game the clear winners were the Clayton Clan, wrenching the crown in emphatic style from the Ant Twerps who were top in World Cup 2022, now as the table shows down to 6th. In second place were Wednesday Football and in third it was Ray Ragbag gaining some due reward for all that effort.

It just remains for me to thank everyone for taking part, I hope to see you all for World Cup 2026!