Euro 2020/21 Competition
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14th May: Website updated. It's gonna happen.

18th May: Possibly....

19th May: After much consideration this year's focus groups have come up with the following phrase for the anagram competition, that traditional solace away from all the boring football. This year's phrase:

"Exactly how many blue waistcoats does joker Southgate have I ask"

4th June: Competition launched! Well some emails fired off. And what do you know? Rather like Sunderland at a general election, in little over an hour the "first to declare" with a completed form returned is none other than Martin Foster, proving that his similarly speedy submission for Russia 2018 was really no fluke. Also rather like Russia 2018 I suspect that a mid-table make-weight is the realistic limit of the ambition here but we'll see. Meanwhile the first complaint about the anagram competition has been received from Malcom Clayton, bleating that apparently "Brighton and Hove" can't be formed from the letters supplied. Effusive apologies were supplied.

Despite this disappointment, by nightfall Malcolm seems to have got to grips with the concept of things providing not one but two offerings, neither featuring "Brighton" or "Hove":

So we cue to vote. Ask exactly why this last anagram should be a joke

and

Jack so would you go to have the best team sex, say with all ace ranks

Magnificent work Malcolm (if a little 15-rated). I hope that that scolding from Katherine for burning the dinner was not too severe. Certainly this work represents a pair of hefty gauntlets thrown right down at the feet of resident wordsmith champion Michael Frain, who is yet to break cover.

6th June: Eleven entries now received, these punters having made up their minds before the second dodgy one-niller England warm-up. That's confidence.

7th June: The entries continue to come in thick and fast. Well probably more thick than fast to be honest, but we're up to 18 now with plenty of former big competition beasts yet to show their hand or their apathy. But what's this?! The anagram competition has stirred the grey matter of none other than Lee Henderson who, with no regard for Michael Frain, has grabbed those hefty lexicographical gauntlets from Malcolm Clayton with, again, not one but two starters for ten:

A Covid jab, we look to that same sexy cloth issue, a hunky wear gets a……

and

O Ay class, TTA out, I joke right backs we have a lot, show me a sexy nude

What can one say? A fantastic fusion of footballing insight, commas and topical zeitgeists, all cemented with a smattering of smut - the perfect combo for these post-watershed times from Lee. Surely Malcolm C can't take this lying down?

8th June: Doubts, I had a few. But then again too few to mention. Could Malcolm respond to this Lee-shaped challenge?. You betcha! Evidently determined not to be on the wrong end of another visitation from Katherine's rolling pin, Malcolm appears to be using this phoney-war period to mug-up big-time on his inner Nigella, with this resultant offering:

Just awake I see you shall start watching a TV box "easy home cooked"

Marvellous. Jumpers for goalposts. But wait! In a pre-emptive counter-strike, and without knowledge of Malcolm's goading, Lee Henderson provides not only a perfectly-formed anagram but also a perfectly-formed artistic interpretation of said anagram, and in so doing has possibly created a whole new facet to the anagram competition. See what you make of this expanded explanation, followed by the potted purity of the 'gram itself:

"Nothing to do with football but it does hark back to a day in 1978, when the world's leading mod met up with the bassist from one of Manchester's finest new wave bands as they discussed songs, glue and then Peter finally offers Paul his favourite egg based drink...."

or

Wellers best axe gets a In The City jam, woo, Uhu, Hooky asks, advocaat?

What may otherwise have been unfairly interpreted as a collection of disparate syllables thrown together in increasing desperation as the letters started to run out, can now be appreciated for what it is - namely the fully-narrated fictional meeting of Paul and Peter, two titans of popular culture to those of a certain vintage, documenting the experimentation to identify their narcotic of choice to aid the creative process to follow. I almost feel like I was there. Brilliant stuff Lee.

Following this trail-blazing initiative, others should feel free to provide a similar "understanding enhancement" commentary to their anagrams if needed.

9th June: We're up to 33 hopeful competitors now, all loaded expectantly into the starting gate albeit some of them, by the look of the predictions, evidently having been fitted with those blind-fold hoods and requiring two wiry stable lads to shove them into the trap with one of those big belts round the "hind-quarters" that not even Google knows the proper name of. Whilst blinkers are adjusted and final "sugar lumps" administered, in lieu of any footballing action our attention returns once again to the anagram competition and the rather public dual between Malcolm "The Crossword" Clayton and Lee "The Lexicon" Henderson. Malcolm strikes first with this heart-felt lament about football being played in huge stadia, stadia that are completely empty save for the 58 BT Sports camera men and Jake Humphrey's ego (just like next season at the Emirates regardless of Covid):

We watch TV today so you just see all real kicks a game has on the box

Fantastic work Malc! And I agree. I've had enough of all this comfy seats, replays from every angle, a vague idea of what's going on and a beer of choice from the fridge at half time. No, I, like Malcolm, can't wait to partake once more of the authentic freezing-cold matchday experience in full with its barely-suppressed undercurrent of crowd aggression, no idea who number 7 is because four quid for a program was a bit steep and I daren't ask, the half time "highlight" of dog 'n' chips (the "dog" being implausibly long to justify the implausible price), the dull nil-nil final score, the threat of hospitalisation by police horse on the way out and the inevitable parking ticket when sanctuary is finally reached. Bring it on.

But wait! Lee channels his inner Grasshopper, seeing Malcolm's work early, parrying expertly and retorting with a tweet of his own to the solar plexus, that tweet once again expanded upon in unrestricted prose to allow us mere-mortals a full appreciation:

"So this recalls that crazy Saturday night a couple of weeks ago, when London Weekend Television's very own Chelsea, beat Sheikh Mansour's Man City in Porto, Havertz rounding Ederson to slot it into an empty net and bring the cup back to London for the second time. The smile on a usually subdued Havertz's face and post match "F-Bomb" interview just showed how much it meant to him and how he considers the tax regime of the super rich unfair to the man in the street."

or

Chelsea LWT Euro kings, beat UAE tax cheat, moody Kai shows vast joy

Superb. What else can one say? We are all just lucky to have ring-side seats to this epic struggle between two gifted wordsmiths at the very top of their respective games. Any other takers?

Jack Grealish gets his priorities right
by skipping training to complete his
competition entry form.

Harry Kane does likewise.....

...but accidentally submits his competition entry form to Daniel Levy, and sends us his transfer request.

10th June: A flurry of inbox activity today means we're up to 62 partakers and alas are now incurring overtime payments for the stable lads. Today has been a mixture of seasoned veterans playing chicken with the cut-off date and a few competition newbies blinking excessively and adjusting their Christmas Card list downward. You're here now, just make the best of it. To the competition real, and Malcolm had warned of a likely fallow period at least until tomorrow when he will be "running lots of errands" (as far as Katherine is concerned anyway). This has left the way clear for Lee to come through with another corker:

"It all started up in the BT Sport studio, half pundit half clown Robbie Savage was talking to fellow anagram solver Malcolm about how good he was at card games and how he could even take on countries of the world, Malcolm doubted his own ability, however Robbie persevered and it eventually led to an uneasy silence…."

or

The arse Savage jokes “Clayton you should beat Mexico at whist” Awk….

I think you'll agree that this displays a deep mutual respect borne out of an intense sporting rivalry, much like Booby Moore and Pele in 1970 (or Maradona and that referee in 1986). As we take a moment, I do have to report however that the recent cosy word-play dynamics may soon be disrupted by the news that one of today's competition entrants was none other than previous anagram champion-in-chief Michael Frain, who's fresh from an extra year's hibernation this time. And of course any other pretenders are always welcome to throw their hat in the ring - come on, give it a go, you know it makes sense.

Final bit of housekeeping - competition entry cut-off is basically first match kick-off tomorrow (8.00pm) which is special dispensation for any late waifs and strays because I'm out tomorrow evening and so won't be able to get the first table done until Saturday anyway (assuming I can remember how to do it all at all, what with the extra year).

11th June (Day 1): In typical fashion the competition gets a flurry of late entrants bringing the final tally to 112 hopefuls and getting me into big, big trouble with the stable lads who are now, without a hint of irony, threatening "industrial action". And after all I've done for them. Moving on, and after the years' of anticipation the football and indeed our little competition are finally underway with Italy's opening Turkey-shoot providing the maximum Red Ten reward of 13 points (I know, I know) for competition stalwarts Ian Maylin and John Irwin as well as competition unknown quantity Joe Kendal.

To other matters and Malcolm's promised "errands" alas fail to deliver; it sounds like word has got to Katherine of where his energies have been directed of late. As mentioned, one of the late competition entrants was none other than Michael Frain, and a rather piqued Michael Frain at that, a Michael Frain who doesn't welcome anybody else's anagram tanks parked on his anagram grass. He fires off a quick volley of warning shots which prove that, just like Luis Figo, he's still got it:

Sexually active Maguire has nosejob. Whoo! Awed tasty hotcake. Tsk.

Alan J Cuckoo. Weigh thy sexual hot sweaty meerkat, avoid asbestos.

Joust hoax! Wow, Gareth lanced a smokey saveloy, takes the biscuit.

As you know, under the new competition paradigm I would normally be asking Michael for some "understanding enhancement" text to explain the full context of his thoughts, but I think we'd best let things pass here. Great stuff nonetheless!

12th June (Day 2): The day was marred by the awful scenes regarding Christian Eriksen, thankfully now recovering. We wish him the very best.

13th June (Day 3): With positive news today regarding Christian Eriksen things can continue. Following yesterday's first home interest (Wales equaliser against the Swiss allowing forty eight 1-1 merchants to register red ink), it was time for the England campaign to get off to an unlikely 3 points and, equally unlikely-ly, for Hamish Owen to top the table, deposing Lawrence Barnard courtesy of three Red Tens, this feat matched only by Richard Cogan who tracks proceedings from 9th place. It's Chaz Brookes in third and in fourth it's Jack Clayton leading the charge for his clan most of whom seem to be quite content to get on with a little R&R away from the front line.

Meanwhile another hat has been thrown into the Anagram competition ring, and this time it's very much a Tam O'Shanter-shaped hat in from Andrew Foggo preparing for Scotland's opener tomorrow by producing this cracker complete with topical "understanding enhancement" text thus:

"Many who noticed Rafael Nadal leaving the court mid-match at the French Open close to 9pm local time last night are wondering whether he suddenly remembered he had forgotten to place his wager on the opening match."

or

Nadal exit close to Ita-Turkey K.O. Why? Massage? Shave? Chow? Jus? O! A bet!

Excellent work Andrew! All becomes clear in the tennis world....

"It's a shame there are no F's"

"Tell me about it"

14th June (Day 4): It's not often that a goal keeper hits the back of the net harder than the ball but that's exactly what happened as the plucky Scots are undone by a Schick double. And with Slovakia surprising Poland and Sweden shutting out the Spanish tiki-taka the rules of natural justice are well and truly warped, with that warping working wonders for big movers on the day David Jackson, Jack Braine, Elliot Taylor and Belgium's second finest Carl Van Geysel. At the other end of spectrum there are nul-point "James Newmans" for no less than twelve enthusiasts who all suffer for their deferential respect for the Daily Mail's Euro 2020 souvenir preview pull-out. The day's upshot is a shared top spot for Lawrence Barnard and Chaz Brookes and a shared must try harder for Martin Foster, Stijn Stengele and Fiona Bennett.

But what's this?! Another hat flutters ring-ward, this time a rather elegant Cloche affair formally sported by none other than Claire Woodland who is finding husband Ian's fevered assurances that he'll soon be in the top 35 a little underwhelming and has taken the search for family glory into her own hands. And what a triple salchow those hands have produced:

Kaya Howle goes by taxi to see masks at the Count Dracula jive show

Drama King Theo Baltakova sues Texas Joe while Scoty watches you

I have just seen Exeter boss look at Lady Castaway with amok cough

Simply superb Claire; let's see if Ian can indeed be inspired by this effort to make that final heave into the top third of the table. Meanwhile Michael Frain has realised that winning again this year will not be quite the formality of yore and has consequently gone all left field with today's offering:

"Here is a haiku* for you. I have broken with the traditional 5-7-5 structure, being a progressive. This haiku can be read on many levels; upstairs, on the landing, in the gutter."

Haiku
Teabag Jewels (KY)
Locust Anatomy
Associated Vertex Whoosh

I will leave the esteemed reader to appreciate the full majesty of this offering, an offering snuck past the naive censors under its veil of cultural sophistication.

* ....a type of short form poetry originally from Japan. Traditional Japanese haiku consist of three phrases that contain a kireji, or "cutting word", 17 on (a type of Japanese phoneme) in a 5, 7, 5 pattern, and a kigo, or seasonal reference. Similar poems that do not adhere to these rules are generally classified as senryu.

David Marshall successfully hides his joy as his 2-0 Czech Republic "Red Ten" come in....

15th June (Day 5): So Portugal eventually wear down Hungary and France get a Mats Hummels OG winner against the Germans in the big showdown event. Really hot news of the day though is that Ian Woodland proves to Claire that he is a man of his word by storming into the top 30 with a carefully crafted 12 points. However there are even more carefully crafted scores of 19 for Matt Bowld, Dan Hughes, Rob Collins, Sam King, Rob Pitman, deep breath, Elliot Taylor and finally Steve Berry who uses his particular 19 points to go to the very top of the table closely tracked by said Elliot Taylor. There will be difficult conversations over the breakfast table in the Berry household in the morning however as Lindy contributes a nul-point Newman to the family aggregate. Meanwhile a quick re-examination of competition events to date demands that a bit of a catch-up big-up is given to Jack Clayton for his correct 3-2 prophecy in the Netherlands v Ukraine match on Day 3. Not only was this the only Red Ten for the match but the 15 points trousered represent the largest match score to date and one that will probably prove hard to beat. Or will it?

Back to the competition real and Lee Henderson returns to the fray, flexing his own inner Haiku to produce this three-line winner:

Burgess scam cheats taken jaywalk,
Leave Oxlade out yo!
Shown tit ho!

To be honest I'm not too sure about the kireji, and the censors were all over the kigo (reluctantly relenting only when I earnestly pointed out that Lee is a keen ornithologist), but overall it represents yet another triumph of the human spirit. Good work! Please note that any other potential hat-wearers would be very welcome to submit their anagrammatical efforts to the scrutiny of the standards committee.

16th June (Day 6): The Russians finish the Finnish, the Italians swat the Swiss and the Welsh trounce the Turks despite Gareth Bale briefly switching codes, but it's all in a day's work for Andrew Hammond who collects a tidy day's-best 31 points for his mantle piece and with it a 59 place rise up the table to the "vaguely in the hunt" zone of 27th. James Evans grabs a cool 29 points and with it a share of the heady-heights of 8th whilst elsewhere on the park there's a creditable 25 point haul for Jack Newell and a not-to-be-sneezed-at 23 points each for Jonathan Harris, Scott McEvoy, Andy Mallet and, wait for it, Elliot Taylor who uses his plunder to put clear water between himself and Lawrence Barnard at the top of the table. No manners some people. The most disappointing news of the day is obviously Andrew Woodland's Red Ten duck-breaker courtesy of the stirred Russian Bear which also helps Jens Dekeyser, Louis Maylin, Oscar Brown, Diana Brownlee and Farzad Mohebati off that particular perch. Martin Foster also saves on future anti-perspirant costs due to Italy's late third which leaves just 25 competitors still blushing.

To more cerebral matters now and Malcolm Clayton returns to the wordy fracas with this apparent resignation letter:

You have a Malc Clayton's last go at the word this week as "jukeboxes"

Surely not Malcolm! Please re-consider things; your public need you!!

17th June (Day 7): Pretty dull fare on the pitch from the Groups of Dearth to be honest, but those 32 points gleaned still seem pretty shiny to Andrew Foggo and also to Liam "he scores when he wants" Pattison who finally breaks his Red Ten duck and only goes and does it again just to prove the point. Meanwhile Scitech commercial department stalwarts Dan Newell and John Whittle are in perfect lockstep to 31 points (no copying now lads) along with Joe Glackin from Ray's Ragbag. At the top Elliot Taylor fends off renewed interest from Steve Berry, these guys each flaunting their five Red Tens, a flaunt in which they are joined by none other than World Cup 2018 winner Barry Braine who has of late been quietly proving that cream rises by ascending the table from 72nd on Day 3 to a lofty 17th now, a mere cobra-strike from the top, and consequently demonstrating that there is hope for us all. Well everyone in the top 72 anyway, suggest you don't get your hopes up too high just yet Fiona.

But a day that was very much one of anticipation for tomorrow's internecine warfare has bought out the very best from Lee Henderson, who once again seems to have struck a novel angle thus:

"I've gone for an unusual approach to the anagram issue this time, I thought it needed to be more direct than cryptic. I thought the simple approach might work and it certainly saved me a lot of time."

or

ybjeksataveiaea Scots win, Southgate out cxmdskseowlehlyhaao

I think you'll agree that the use of Gorbals Gaelic profanity interspersed with New York Times headline simplicity is a complete masterstroke. But not content with one complete masterstroke, Lee immediately serves up another thus:

Au wow! Three Lions lose key Jocks day game, shout “Save that taxicab”

How scary is that? Absolutely brilliant stuff! Evidently a re-run of 1977 is written in the stars and I for one wouldn't fancy being a Wembley crossbar tomorrow night. We await in trepidation....

Ronaldo makes the Hungarian defence look like statues.

18th June (Day 8): With social media feeds awash all day with images of sodden kilts being lifted up in various ways the scene was all set for the Battle of Britain. Bannockburn or Flodden? Stirling Bridge or Culloden? In the event the rather dull bore-draw served to wrong-foot everyone, becoming only the second match not to illicit a single Red Ten. Clearly no one thought it could be that bad. Not that the entire day was wasted as far as Matt Bowld, David Jackson, Lee "The Lexicon" Henderson and Dan Newell are concerned as they collected 25 points and decent rises up the table, Dan Newell's elevation cut rather short though as he bangs his head on the top spot, displacing laurel-rester Elliot Taylor. Elsewhere, Scitech Cardiff Office champion and one-to-watch Steve James continues his recent rise no doubt spurred-on by the exploits of his countrymen whilst competition-veteran Ray Charlton also hoves into view using Ragbag-member Karen Connerney as his pacemaker, at least until the inevitable callous overtaking manoeuvre is executed on semi-finals day.

Lee Henderson's worst thoughts from yesterday didn't quite come to fruition and indeed today he had already dialled down the negative rhetoric just a tad with this insight into the hard life of a soon-to-retire footballer, an ex-friend of Malcolm's no less, planning for the future and trying to make ends meet.

Y? Hendo has tough week, must work at taxi job, leaves associate Clay…

Great stuff! I expect it is tough being forced to watch tonight's fare up-close from the bench without getting the nod.

19th June (Day 9): Apparently it was a day of massive footballing surprises with neither France nor Spain losing, and, get this, Germany winning. The resultant shortage of points at the sharp end of the table allows the likes of Matt Burgess, Jonathan Harriss and Steve James (him again) to press their claims, however temporarily. But what sorcery is this?! The day's real action is served up by competition regular Martin Foster who finally leverages that quick entry return. Having lazily phoned-in performances since day one, Martin suddenly discovers his inner Matt Le Tissier and picks up an "unbelievable" 28 points and with it a rise of 43 places to a lofty 61st. If only he had stretched himself earlier in his career by moving to a bigger club than his Scitech Central comfort-zone, just think how many competition glories he could have won by now? That 28 points is a full 10 points ahead of the still-very-creditable-next-best 18 points that Wal West scores; alas for Wal none of those 18 points are written in red ink leaving her one of only nine people still yet to score a direct hit. In other news, Andrew Woodland's limited competition ambition of overhauling wife Karen appears to be on as he finally draws level in 85th.

And as if all that wasn't enough excitement for one day, there is yet more served up by none other than Claire Woodland, once again having to take matters into her own hands after husband Ian's recent ignominious descent out of the top 30. Claire forwards not one but two family face-savers:

You love to cook Manx sausages with cheese? asked Tabitha J Trawly

Yes sir? we can boogie shouts Leeds team cook Kat Vault Hathaway (sorry, no J or X in this one)

Fantastic stuff again! And we notice Claire what you did with that second one, a terrifically topical take on the Tartan Army's tremendous theme tune. Alas we also notice the accompanying frank admission suffix. Well I'm pleased to say that the judges have conferred at length, VAR-style, and decided that because it was so good, and to reward such honesty in these competitive dog-eat-dog days, a Nelsonian eye will be cast on this little local difficulty. Huzzah!

20th June (Day 10): The day that marks the half-way point of the competition and what a glorious day it is for the Welsh who "win" 0-1 against Italy to guarantee progression from Group A to the competition latter stages whilst Switzerland, after disposing of Turkey in good style, are left to sweat on the vagaries of the third place progression permutations. To the pitch that really matters and it's Beth Hemmingway of the fragrant Brighton Belles who is the day's top-notcher on 20 points along with Dan "Junior Clayton" Clarke. Meanwhile there are 17-point hauls for the likes of ,er, Andrew Burgess, Michael Frain, Chris Staples, David Jackson, Sophia Braine, Sam Thompson and Karen Connerney, Karen (no bridesmaid her!) forgetting any duties to the Ragbag and using her particular 17 points to overhaul Dan Newell at the very apex of the table. Kevin West and the aforementioned Michael Frain plunder their first Red Tens (and indeed deep breathes) of the campaign.

But what's this? From afar a green scout beret wings expertly, frisbee-style, right into the centre of the ring. And the regulation name-tag on this beret reads none other than "Kevin West"! Kevin has evidently channelled the adrenalin rush of his first Red Ten in the most positive of fashions:

Ok sox jaws, Southgate does have a male wet itchy sky blue raincoat

Tremendous work! And no need for any Nelsonian eye deployment either Kevin. Good man!

21st June (Day 11): A fairly hum-drum denouement of Groups B and C save for Denmark's emotional demolition of Russia whose manager will no doubt be becoming acquainted with the Gulag very soon. But there was nothing hum-drum about the performances today of Elliot Taylor and indeed the hitherto anonymous Louis Maylin who both weigh in with an astonishing 40 points including three consecutive Red Tens and a cheeky right result to boot. This reverses Elliot's recent run of wretched results and ensures that he ends the day positioned back at the pinnacle of the pack a full four points clear of Karen Connerney who is looking round desperately for support from the Ragbag, this arriving in the form of 31-point Ray himself, his performance in turn matched by Sam King and Andy Breen. I'm not quite sure why they are getting kudos so early in the paragraph when the likes of Richard Scorer scores 35 and Ian Maylin 33 to announce themselves publicly and join the coveted top 30, a top 30 long since bereft of Ian Woodland. As Gilbert O'Sullivan himself might have put it, "Oh Claire".

But whilst Claire is pulling on her thinking cap once again with renewed grim determination, it's weeaboo Michael Frain who once more seizes the stage with this succinct analysis of the Battle of Wembley:

Alky Jockys have a o-o shutout. A game best watched on wireless. Taxi!

More than a o-o shutout Michael, it's another winner!

Scotland Fans celebrate the famous 0-0 victory over the Auld Enemy in traditional style....

Mason Mount makes the mistake of asking Billy Gilmour for his phone number. Billy obliges and includes his STD for good measure.... which consequently puts Mount into self-isolation and out of action.

22nd June (Day 12): Group D gets settled and whilst England's day of reckoning is put off for another week Scotland's arrives bang on time courtesy of the outside of Luka Modric's right boot. Meanwhile, there is a Lou Reed 25 point "Perfect Day" for a resurgent John Walshe recently rediscovering some of his Euro 2000 form with a 29 place rise into the top 40, his feat matched stride for stride by Round.App's 3rd finest and hitherto perennial nearly-man Scott McEvoy who rises to joint 18th with a look of real intent about him. Elsewhere there are noteworthy 20 points for possibly-ones-to-watch Andy Breen and Jack Clayton, and slightly less noteworthy scores of 18 for Hamish Owen, Farzad Mohebati and Round.App's 8th finest Alex Berry who, crucially, breaks his Red Ten duck in the process which leaves just six colleagues in that particular street of shame. Meanwhile the steadily-getting-less-anonymous Louis Maylin gets an incredible 9th correct match result in a row which is a competition record. Probably. At the top of the table it's pretty much as you were, with Elliot Taylor now 6 clear of Karen Connerney but they need to beware Jack Butler who uses his 17 point haul to barge his way up to 6th.

With Ian sadly sinking to 62nd, Claire Woodland's thinking cap fortunately delivers big time, complete with subliminal messaging:

Oy ask Sooty when the taxi comes? Just call, wave or shake at a budgie

At least someone in the household is performing Ian. That said, you are still 10 points ahead of brother Andrew so it could be worse.

23rd June (Day 13): Groups E and F get sorted in pretty exciting fashion with early baths for Poland, Slovakia and Hungary and the upshot that England will face Germany at Wembley on 29th June after the foolhardy "victory" yesterday. The results are leveraged in strange fashion with 28 point hauls for both Steve Melton and Jenny Burgess; Steve uses his to go joint 1st whilst Jenny uses hers to go joint 91st. Crucially however, Jenny does use part of her haul to get some first red ink under her belt as does Fiona Bennett, now leaving just four unnamed prediction enthusiasts (Wal West, Gordon Geddes, Philip Hornby and Moeti Sparks) awaiting that joy. Elsewhere there are excellent scores of 26 points for each of Molly James, Fran Carbone, Beth Hemming and Lindy Berry. Not being funny ladies but where have you been up until now? And there are also half-decent scores of 24 points for the likes of Graham Clayton, Andy Breen, Jon Jackson and Terry Bennett, all now in the top 30.

Meanwhile Michael Frain has been busy intercepting a WhatsApp message from Raheem's mum giving her incisive verdict on yesterday's effort:

“A goal Lad? It was just utter hokey-cokey see-saw havoc in the box!” Ma S

Top stuff as ever Michael; I think that radio-scanner has paid for itself already. Any other anagrams from providers new or old would be warmly welcomed; if you've not tried before just ask Claire W if you can borrow a thinking cap and get on with it.

25th June: Following completion of the group stage a total of 45 prediction enthusiasts have supplied their updated score guesses for the knock-out phase - many thanks. Curiously it seems to be mostly people nearer the top of proceedings who have re-jigged things, lacking that confidence in their own abilities portrayed by many of those in the bottom 50. Thank you for some of the cheery messages received as well. Sorry I haven't responded personally, I've been sorting things out - I belatedly now realise that the presenters of Vision On weren't quite as callous as they seemed at the time.

Big kudos once again to Elliot Taylor and in-from-nowhere Steve Melton for being joint leaders after the group stage. To the Round of 16!

26th June (Day 14): The Welsh frankly escape with only a 4-0 drubbing at the hands of Denmark whilst Italy get past Austria albeit with the crushing disappointment of actually letting a goal in. Meanwhile it seems that those plaudits so recently handed out to Elliot Taylor and Steve Melton were a bit previous. Elliot appears to have used his position in the lead and with a wide open road to the finish line ahead much as Dick Dastardly would, basically stopping, lighting a fuse to some dynamite planted under a rickety bridge, watching as the rest of the Whacky Racers sail by unencumbered, this eliciting a furious jumping up and down in frustration, leading to the previously-desired explosion. And all the while with Mutley Melton sniggering stage left. Beneficiaries-in-chief are 19-point Karen "Penelope Pitstop" Connerney and Jonathan "Peter Perfect" Harriss, up into 1st and 2nd respectively, whilst a similar points haul does big favours for Steve "Rufus Ruffcut" James (him again), Jon "The Red Max" Jackson and Michael "Professor Pat Pending" Frain. Their feats are matched exactly by Wal "Penelope Pitstop" West, Karen "Penelope Pitstop" Woodland, and Diana "Penelope Pitstop" Brownlee ably demonstrating why another series of Whacky Races is unlikely to be commissioned in these more enlightened times. It should be noted that Wal "Penelope Pitstop" West used part of her 19-point haul to bag herself a Red Ten, thus leaving now just three prediction enthusiasts still waiting to feel that special skip of the heartbeat.

But what's this? From afar a grey Trilby hat, replete with feathers, flops into the anagram ring, this hat previously worn at a jaunty angle by none other than Martin Foster. Martin signals his confidence in the outcome of England's upcoming Tuesday tussle with the Teutons thus:

E just what a blow, I look, Germany luck, easy save exact shots, o death

I feel that now Martin has spoken so eloquently there is alas little point in England turning up.

27th June (Day 15): The unfancied Czechs dispose of the dull Dutch with an unanswered double that no one saw coming whilst Belgium see-off Portugal 1-nil in a feisty affair that had the Ant Twerps rocking but which only Karen Woodland and James Evans actually foresaw. At the top of the table 8 points is enough to have Jonathan Harriss leapfrogging Karen Connerney to the absolute apex whilst Karen W's 13 points makes her the day's top dog, earning her indeed a 13 place rise into the coveted top 66. Watch this space. Meanwhile a paltry 12 point day-score is enough to ensure a mention in dispatches for the likes of Terry Bennett, Nigel Newman, Ian Woodland (53rd now Claire), Sam Merrick, Jens Dekeyser, John Overend (welcome John) and Joe Glackin who uses his hard-earned dozen to consolidate 3rd place.

Meanwhile it's a nostalgic day on the anagram front as a chores-complete Malcolm Clayton, always looking forward, returns to the fray with this ominous portend of next-season scenes at the Amex:

Ah text how lucky BH (Brighton & Hove) draw alas evokes teaseling joyous coma state

Well they say it's the hope that kills you.

Whilst all this football blarney more or less looks after itself I have of late been wrestling with my conscience as to whether I have been wholly fulfilling my Reithian responsibilities to "Inform, Educate and Entertain". Imagine my relief therefore when this morning I came across the YouTube clip below (don't ask), sharing of which I believe ticks all the necessary boxes for this week in a punchy 2 minutes 14 seconds.

VegTrug - progress after one week - YouTube

28th June (Day 16): Well what a great day of see-saw extra time football! Spain eventually beat Croatia 5-3 despite the classic comical own-goal opener that the tournament has been missing and then Switzerland surprised France with a late double comeback for 3-3 and penalties, culminating in an Mbappe spot-kick miss and an early flight home for the French if indeed they flew to wherever it was. So with a luscious 34 points available the opportunity for competition glory was well and truly there, that opportunity well and truly spurned by everyone. Seven people earned the 8-point highest day score but certainly didn't earn a name-check for such a derisory effort, albeit less derisory than 105 other people's efforts. That said, one of the 8-point chancers was none other than toploader Jonathan Harriss who uses his score to consolidate things at the summit into a useful 5-point lead over new chief chaser Joe Glackin who was surely surprised to be rising Northward with a mere 6 points scored. These two must surely be getting the bottom 50 a bit worried now.

News of Malcolm Clayton's return to the anagram fray inspires old rival Lee Henderson to an immediate retort on the subject of a certain upcoming footballing clash, his effort complimented with additional "understanding enhancement" text thus:

"With “The Special One” now on Talk Sport for the duration of the Euros and spreading himself around like a cheap aftershave, he was heard to comment about how he thought Germany might beat Gareth’s brave little soldiers at Wembley tomorrow."

or

“Ahoy! Watch twelve Krauts shoot again, be Tuesday, OK?” exclaims Jose

Fantastic stuff as ever from Lee! But fantastic stuff that I have to say did rather pique the interest of the censors from the FA who were fully determined to prevent publication, reluctantly relenting only when I earnestly pointed out that Lee is a keen lover of coleslaw.

29th June (Day 17): An evening that many of us thought we'd never see, even for the majority of this evening if truth be told, but all's well that ends well and Gareth's negative tactics somehow reap rewards. It might sound churlish but it is a bit annoying that England couldn't hold on to a 2-0 lead against West Germany back in Mexico in 1970 as that might have saved on a world of hurt, but better 51 years late than never I suppose. Elsewhere Artem Dovbyk's extra time last-gasp penalty-preventer means it's Ukraine who see off Sweden to set-up a Roman appointment with England on Saturday night, an event foreseen by only one person, that person being none-other than ice-cool soothsayer-in-chief Elliot Taylor. Elliot's consequent 19 point day-haul is enough to overtake Jonathan Harriss at the top of the table, Jonathan selflessly taking a complete points-breather in the interests of keeping the contest open until the semi finals. Top man! Well second-top now actually.

Meanwhile, the ever-reliable Michael Frain answers the call to anagram-arms with his lip reading of the post-match banter from Granit Xhaka following yesterday's early bath for the French.

"Swiss delight as they knock out France on penalties... "

or

“Excuse me Killian, what’s shootout score by the way? Jaa!” (Gets a vodka.)

Top stuff again Michael; I think that Ultra HD TV has paid for itself already.

The Tartan Army inspires the team to greatness.

2nd July (Day 18): So in the first of the quarter-finals the Spanish send home the plucky Swiss on penalties whilst the Italians roll back the years against the Belgiums with a truly awesome display of cheating and time wasting reminiscent of some of their great teams of yore, waved through with a grin by the assembled pundits variously as "professionalism", "breaking up the play" or "seeing it out". At least we know what to expect should it ever come to pass - best not go a goal down eh? But Karen Woodland (who doesn't object to a little play-acting herself) worries not, and bags a perfect 25 points to really put some clear water between herself and husband Andrew and even to leapfrog in-law Ian who was himself all too briefly threatening a return to the top 30. Elsewhere Andrew Foggo's 18 points see him rise to a vaguely-in-contention 17th whilst there are 15s scored by Dan Newell, John Irwin, Rob Pitman, Matt Burgess, Alex Berry, Fran Carbone, Ian Maylin, wish I hadn't started this, Wesley Piters and Sam Thompson, Sam using his haul to go to a definitely-in-contention 4th.

Meanwhile Lee Henderson calls Michael Frain with a perfectly-executed anagram complete with both preamble and postamble:

"So, to relay the story as it was told to me, Jimmy Tarbuck was feeling left out after losing his Family Fortunes gig and everything else to the young upstarts and perhaps his style and brand of humour was feeling a little dated so decided that he could move into the world of football punditry, seeing the idiots that both channels are lining up as they get more desperate to get an ex-player in front of the camera, he thought he could do a better job. After the victory and stellar (and in my case Stella) performance the camera turned to Liverpool's (once) leading all round entertainer who muttered the immortal words...."

"Ho ho, have just beat cocky Ukraine awesomely Sat, the gold awaits x"

"Then sadly the camera never returned to his little face, we heard no more, his life of punditry given over to Vernon Kaye, Tarby's back to whittling away in his garden shed. A sad little tale to reflect upon.....".

Well Tarby, it certainly won't be sad if your commentatorial debut does ensure a victory against those notably-cocky Ukrainians. Superb.

Striker Lazarus plays his full part in teammate Barella's opening goal for Italy.

3rd July (Day 19): The Danish spirit brings home the 2-1 bacon against the Czechs and then it's a Roman Party for the three lions as the Ukrainians are dispatched 4-0 with remarkably little jeopardy after Harry Kane's 4th minute toe-poke nerve-settler, so it's all back to ours on Wednesday night. There are 19 point scores for the likes of World Cup 2018 winner Barry Braine and Euro 2016 winner Lee Henderson as well as some others with a rather, er, lower pedigree in the various shapes of Nigel Newman, Liam Pattison, Neil Thompson and Jack Braine. But it could all be rather too little too late as there's a six-points-apiece lockstep at the top of the table meaning it's as you were for Elliot Taylor, Joe Glackin, Jonathan Harris and Sam Thompson.

To matters cerebral, and Michael Frain sees Lee Henderson's Ukraining offering and raises him two Big Blinds with his own prophetic prophecy, explained thus:

"In anticipation of England's inevitable march towards the last four and their glorious return home to Wembley, that Triumphal Arch for make glorious the People's Republic of Brent, of which I am an 'umble comrade."

or

Tally 'o what! Coach has gawd easy job! Take out Kiev! Euros Semis next!

Great stuff. Euros Semis next indeed!

6th July (Day 20): So it's Italy who prevail in the Mediterranean derby match, a Jorginho pea-roller penalty finally settling things. The draw was not generally foreseen at the Northerly end of the table proceedings - except by Steves Berry and Melton. Steve Berry thought long and hard, considered the relative team skills, tactical formations and suitability of the turf to take a long stud before selecting his 1-1 prediction that netted him his cool 12 points and a rise to 6th in the table. Steve Melton on the other hand merely channelled his inner pork-pie, failing to provide any form of prediction since the round of 16 (despite prompting) and so benefitting from the automatic allocation of 1-1 in line with the competition small print, his fraudulently-earned 12 points taking him up to 3rd. But that's the great game. The good news is however that he has probably long-since forgotten all about the competition so 109 of us needn't feel smugly looked down upon.

Elsewhere, Michael Frain senses some extra-time tiredness in the legs of his various upstart opponents and maintains his momentum with yet another offering, this one benefitting disproportionately from the understanding enhancement text now allowed:

"So, some new age nutjob has done a modern day great train robbery, this time round they have targeted a post office van stuffed full of the inland revenue's takings from the inheritance tax. Not football related but such a big story surely makes its way onto the front and the back pages..."

or

Outrage. Alien obsessed v. way-out whacko hijacks stately home tax

Indeed not football related Michael. I think you might have just opened up a whole new world of fun for yourself, enough to carry you right through to the Qatar 2022 anagram recasting.

A true England football-head deploys the legendary BBC Sounds "Half and Half" scarf when Hendo pops up for the fourth. But we'll let her off.

Meanwhile I am sad to report that stocks of supplied anagrams from my team of merry elves have run dry, so dry in fact that I have been forced to chance my arm myself. Self-evidently the work of an out-of-his-depth novice and requiring every syllable of the permitted understanding enhancement text, but it could have been worse:

"The bloke from the video on 27th June (who still amuses, bemuses and fascinates in equal measure) bangs on at length with false and deceptive jollity to his patron, a domineering member of the aristocracy, who in desperation to escape jumps into his Range Rover but his get away is frustrated by traffic."

or

Coy Trug-man waxes jovial. He takes a while, cheats a bossy Duke. Toot!

Hurry back elves, we need you!

8th July: With no football games today this gives us an opportunity to look at a quirky, perhaps under-appreciated, aspect of the competition in our occasional "In Focus" series.....

In Focus..... Jon Gregory

Now I do have to confess that not every word written here above is strictly truthful. For instance, that stuff about the "wiry stable lads". Mentioned a couple of times early doors in reference to them loading competition entrants into starting gates like it's some kind of horserace, with the possibility of them having to receive overtime payments mentioned as the numbers of competitors grew. This was clearly just a ludicrous concept employed solely for comic effect and meant to be taken with a large pinch of salt. I don't mind admitting now that this was indeed a complete fabrication - there was absolutely no way they were ever going to get any overtime payments; a furnished shipping container and as many oats as you can eat is, I would say, renumeration enough for anyone being given the opportunity to do the job they love. After all, I've got expenses to cover. Whilst this little example might demonstrate some occasional "economy with the actualité" as it was once delicately put, what follows is, I can vouch, the gospel truth.

Now Jon Gregory knows his way around an Excel spreadsheet, of that there can be no denying. And on 10th June he was on a mission to get the internet immortality that was rightfully his. He wasn't content with providing score "guesses" to complete his spreadsheet like everyone else (that would be far too illogical and prone to error). Jon wasn't going to leave winning this competition merely to chance. No, sir. He was going to utilise 99% "Vulcan Spock Logic" with just 1% human intuition, with even that 1% being a bit too much, rather like that episode when the good Mr S leveraged his particular 1% human intuition and started laughing disturbingly. I don't think I slept properly for weeks afterwards. Jon's route to glory was plotted by some complex analysis which according to the accompanying chirp was "based on the expected number of shots and success ratio for each team plus the penalty success". All I know is that Jon's returned spreadsheet had been hacked to have an additional worksheet in it, flagrantly unprotected and openly flaunted, and which I was able to see contained each team name listed with associated "Shots", "Success" and "Penalty Success" parameters. These were somehow combined into a score guess for each match using Excel's very own BINOM.INV function (a function which "returns the smallest value for which the cumulative binomial distribution is greater than or equal to a criterion") with the VLOOKUP function populating the "number_trial" (the number of Bernoulli trials) and "prob_success" (the probability of success for each trial) parameters, with the "criterion" (the criterion value) parameter being provided by a random number to provide that variability that only the game of football can bring.

Suffice it to say that Jon is currently standing 109th out of 112.

11th July (Day 22): And so it came to pass. The joy of the early goal evaporating in the second half with the inevitable equalizer leading to the inevitable penalties leading to the inevitable defeat. A horrible, eerie inevitability. Eerily reminiscent of Euro 96. Same ground, same euphoria at an early goal, same equaliser, same penalties, same result. Different round mind.

To more important matters! And massive kudos to our winner Elliot Taylor whose misplaced optimism for the final day was matched only by the misplaced optimism of those around him, the music stopping with Joe Glackin in 2nd and a joint 3rd of Karen Connerney and Steve Melton, earning the owners of these names internet immortality and their place in the pantheon of greats in the Archive. Alas Sam Thompson just missed out on things, sliding out of the medals table on the final day courtesy of his 3-2 England goal-fest prediction.

Elsewhere, and in the team game Scitech Central came through at the end to pip the Cardiff Caball (aka Steve James and daughter "early to bed" Molly), whilst the Poker Boyz and in particular the Brighton Belles proved that their "talents lie elsewhere". The once-mighty Levred Scouts had a bit of a group shocker, rescued in part by Graham Clayton finally getting lucky in the later stages to force his way into the top 10 with next-best Ian Woodland finishing, yes you guessed it, in 30th, with not one picojoule of unnecessary energy expended. You really couldn't make it up. Biggest fall from grace was World Cup 2018 winners the Ant Twerps down to 10th, whilst with members sprayed all over the table Ray's Ragbag were collectively mid-table fodder this year.

And a special mention is due to Gordon Geddes, Philip Hornby and Moeti Sparks who failed to get a single Red Ten between them. Quite some achievements.

One last thought on everything and something to bear in mind. Let's face it, it was only the Euros. You don't get a star on your shirt for that. Those Italians might be smug and happy at the moment but I made a deal with the footballing gods that I would be happy for England to lose these Euros in order to guarantee winning the Qatar World Cup. And I've kept my side of the bargain. Chiellini might be laughing now but when he gets nutmegged by Sterling for England's fourth in Doha in 18 months' time the boot will well and truly be on the other foot. I am sorry for any unhappiness caused to people in the interim but I feel the greater joy will be worth the slight wait. After all, when you've already waited 55 years... what's another 18 months?

Thanks everyone for playing, hopefully see you all in Qatar!

Andrew

Uncle Giorgio accidentally gets his finger nail caught on Saka's shirt....

....but the guys all rally round to help out, and wee Bukayo doesn't even get charged for the manicure required.